Forgiveness

I wear my heart on my sleeve. My mother use to tell me that I'm like my father in that we both are a little oversensitive. I used to wonder if this was a blessing, curse, or fault I should work on eliminating. Over time I have decided to view this as a blessing with which I need to be mindful.

Recently, In took a rather detailed personality test. They are a very interesting form of entertainment for me. The latest one is full of analysis as it talks about this personality trait in settings of various relationships. The type I got said a strength of mine is "They feel love and affection for those close to them which is almost childlike in its purity". I think this is pretty true about myself and why I consider my exposed heart a blessing.

Unfortunately, I am often hurt by situations and actions that other people would probably not be as upset about. I've learned to try to really evaluate my perceived wrong for awhile before acting upon it and seeming trivial about the situation.

I recently had one of these situations arise. I wanted to feel sorry for myself and throw pity parties for a couple of days. I escaped to Shawnee (I'm sure the people in Shawnee will laugh at that thought) this morning to get away from my haunting feelings of hurt which seemed to vanish slowly with my drive there. The lesson in Sunday School focused on forgiveness for a bit. I realized then that while I think the person may feel somewhat guilty, it is only me that is holding myself back. Once I decided during Sunday School that I would forgive this person, no longer did I feel those haunting feelings of hurt. I also sent a message to the person telling them I forgive them.

During the last two weeks, God has shown me that as I forgive others I am also ridding myself of bitterness. Another lesson occurred during a college service Tuesday night. I am usually rather cynical about this service, but once I decided to focus on God and not what little things I dislike, I was able to listen to God instead of my own negative thoughts.

I've been working on being a better me. I don't think I'll ever get to my ideal, but I can dying trying. I think its pretty easy to God to show us what to work on if we would only ask. The 3 things I've been working on faith, being complete, and patience. Good ones to work on I think.

-Kristy

Giving without recieving

So, short and simple blog tonight. In the Bible Jesus mentions to act without expecting anything back (Luke 6:35). Simple thought. How often do we truly do something with no thoughts of receiving some type of retribution. I was thinking about this the other day. I'm the worse about this principle when it comes to my family. The other night I helping my sometimes ungrateful brother by painting his baseboard and surrounding trim. He just sat there for two hours watching me paint during which I became agitated by his lack of work. I was assuming since he asked me to paint he would be doing something else at the same time to speed the whole process. Due to my frustration, I didn't help him again for about a week. One day I went by and started helping him scrape this old adhesive off of the floor so he could put new flooring down. Scraping away at his floor with just my thoughts as company proved rather therapeutic. I was think how my brother probably wont thank me for what I was doing and has never helped me pack or move to Norman, but that's okay because I was helping him and showing him my love. Just as this thought was crossing my mind, my brother walked in the room with a portable fan which he plugged in and pointed straight at me. It was a pleasant surprise to realize my brother must be maturating some and how it feels so much better to be rewarded when not expecting it instead of feeling it was owed to you.

-Kristy

Exploring gender roles.

Disclaimer: Just in case you might have wondered....I am in no way reconsidering my sexual orientation. Thought I'd throw that out there (after a title like that, I didn't want you to wonder).



Throughout the summer, a joke within the staff developed in which I was deemed a feminist. This label was attached after an incident occurred on the ropes course during which I made a boy probably about fifteen years old cry after I corrected him. The guys on the ropes staff found this fact very amusing. I was then deemed a feminist and when situations would arise, I was teased about it. Sometimes after they would call me a feminist, I was taken back on how I may be more of a feminist than I ever realized.

One day a guy commented that it was girls like me that killed chivalry. I guess I would frustrate some of the guys by lifting heavier objects or starting a task while guys were just sitting around and could have done the task for me. I never thought of asking them; besides the job had to be accomplished anyway. The guys would often ask to help after I was already in the middle of completing the task when it would really just take more effort for me to stop, so for sake of simplicity I would just finish what I was doing.

For the first 11 years of my life, my younger brother by 2 years and I were the only children of my parents. Since I was the oldest, I seemed to be asked to do just as many chores as my brother Austin. In fact in some instances, like killing spiders, I had to man up and kill the things since I was the oldest. If Austin hadn't been scared of spiders, I probably would still be scared of them, but since we both were scared I conquered my fear and would kill them for the both of us. A common task in childhood was my mother often having Austin and I run into the grocery store with a check she had signed to pick up a couple of items. Once we would reach the checkout area, Austin was always too embarrassed to write out the amount on the check so this task always fell to me. Austin was always willing to have me do any tasks he did not want. I learned one day Austin not only passed off little jobs to me, he actually would find me after mom gave him a job and would tell me that mom told him to tell me to do the task he just was given.

I guess I just grew up never expecting a guy to ask to do a task for me. I generally see no reason why I could not do the task I was asked to do. I'm not amazingly strong for a girl, but I can hold my own in many instances. I probably count too much on this fact, which has lead me twice into fist fights: one in 3rd grade against my brother's friend and another this last Christmas when my brother Austin called me a b*@#@.

I remember being in middle school and realizing the academic subjects I liked were usually considered the "guy" subjects. This revelation happened during a middle school academic meet where I was completing in math. I was in the assigned room taking my math test (for fun I may need to remind you). I looked up because I was having to think about the problem and then I realized there were only 3 other girls in the room with about 35 guys. Math and Science were always my thing, unlike my best friends that really liked Reading and English.

I played sports growing up. My favorite was soccer, but our school system did not have soccer which left me playing soccer in our town's recreational league. Now, part of the reason I may have enjoyed soccer so much was the fact it was co-ed. I loved being really aggressive and stealing the ball away; I frustrated many boys this way which resulted in me being called wonderful names--in fact I was even called a boy by the opposing coach once. It was so funny how I could use being a girl to catch guys off guard toward the beginning of the games. As I got older, fewer girls continued to play; by the time I was in high school, I was the only girl still playing. My team thought it would be fun to play in a legitimate tournament, so we signed up for the event. We signed up for the guy's bracket since they did not have a co-ed league and as stated before I was the only girl anyway. I will never forget our game winding down and the next team showing up. It was a guy's team and could hear them on the side lines commenting on a girl being on our team. I stole the ball from a guy and the guy's team on the sideline started screaming for me. They were yelling, "you go girl" and random stuff. I thought it was so funny.

I was a bit of a tomboy growing up. I'll be the first to admit that. I just feel like society has placed me in such an awkward position. I found it throughly interesting that the guys this summer didn't want me carry things on my own, yet they seem to have no problem with me wanting to be a doctor which is a very male dominated field. These guys never felt they need to restrain any perverted comments about girls or themselves while I was around, yet when I decided to say something awkward as retribution the guys would protest.

When I was a child, I remember telling my mother I was going to marry a man that would cook and clean while I would watch Monday Night Football. I am certainly not the biggest girlie girl, but I do enjoy my romantic comedies and getting all dressed up for no reason. It seems that as long as I don't push my strength too hard, I can get by. Its when I do something (which apparently can be lots of things) that makes a guy no longer feel manly that I apparently am a feminist. I think my solution to the whole situation will be as follows: I am only going to hang out with real manly men that will be okay with me trying whatever as long as they are there to get me out of a jam, kinda like the girl with the Ninja Turtles.

-Kristy

Abstract becomes reality

I've already written about death a couple of times now. Generally when I hear/think of the concept of death, I try to convince myself I have a good grasp on the natural cycle of life and do not have have any form of the various death anxieties discussed in my philosophy class. On my drive to Falls Creek, I got a phone call from a girl from I live with at camp informing me of a death of a fellow staff member. I think I have a rather stoic response to death. I still keep thinking of this boy that is no longer with us. I keep remembering his wonderful smile and the white beanie his wore. I can't say I knew him too well. I was excited he was transferring to OU and he was amazing in jungle pong. He will greatly be missed. Don't have much else to say. I'll be thinking and praying for his family in the next days, weeks, and years to come. May we all be mindful of how precious and limited our lives are.

-Kristy

comparisons

So, I've had a lot of different topics to be writing my blog about, but it just hasn't been too inspiring once I started writing--although for the few of you that even read this I of course have no idea if my blogs ever are inspiring or interesting. A big issue I had to deal with once I arrived at Falls Creek was comparing last summer to the current summer. I have realized that maybe the best course of action is never trying to recreate an experience that was just so amazing the first time around. Comparison is such a demon. I am having to actively tell myself that even though this is the same place I was last year and I am doing basically the same task this is a completely new and different summer. I always thought that one of the saddest movie characters is the uncle in Napoleon Dynamite. He is probably in his 40's and just constantly retelling his football glory story. I hate to admit it but I can somewhat understand this pathetic behavior once I arrived at falls creek. I was being constantly reminded of last summer and making me sentimental in some ways.

I feel a little scandalous writing this at falls creek....but as crazy as this parallel may be I can very clearly understand one really good reason for staying a virgin until you get married. In my rather limited ventures of holding hands and kissing, I have kissed enough boys to where I can compare various aspects of it. Like simply one boy was shorter than me while the other was taller. I don't want to freak my mother and other family members that read this too much more. I'll move on.

There's the saying that assuming makes an a** out of you and me (watch out this post is getting explicit...) but I think comparing causes much more damaging and fool-creating results. I guess comparisons are needed for some ways like teaching devices but I'm not sure of their benefit in general use. In the book Sex. God. (one of the few books I got to read this last summer) it talks about the problem of comparison when judging a girl or guy on appearances. I loved the way the author addressed this by saying that the problem is when the "she" becomes an "it". When the girl with a past, personality, and humanity is stripped down to skin and bone, only being viewed like a piece of meat and looking at what was mainly genetically predetermined before she was born (sorry this is a bit of a tangent).

I've been trying to work on limiting my comparisons of people and events. I'm starting to see much more depth to staff members from last year that I had already compared to other people and formed my opinion of them. Individuality was something that I always valued for myself, but I'm starting to realize that I don't seem to allow other this same value. Comparisons might be needed for illustration purposes and essential to sociology, but I'm not convinced they are good for life. Just my random thoughts for the day!

-Kristy

Childhood

So finals are over and one of my most hectic semesters is completed (assuming I passed the two classes which don't have grades posted yet!! ah!). I've been back at home and having all kinds of flashbacks to my childhood and even random events from high school. I got to watch my youngest brothers participate in the Little Olympics and it brought me back to all sorts of memories in track, from competing in long jump in grade school to almost qualifying for state my freshmen year in long jump. Church always makes me reminisce of my varying enthusiasm throughout childhood and my bitterness and disillusioned feelings currently. Just being in my bedroom brings memories of moving around my furniture at 10pm deciding I needed a change. These memories also have brought mixtures of frustration, regret, happiness, ironic laughter, and many more. The thing about the past is just that, its over. While I have some anxiety of the coming summer plans and fall courses, I'm trying to remember its the little things like bike rides around the block with Mitch or playing DDR with Justin or watching Austin treat his dog like royalty which are usually the most memorable moments of any life.

-Kristy

Politics

I once had great ambitions for and wholly unabated belief in my government much like James Stewart character in the great Frank Capra film Mr. Smith goes to Washington. I LOVED the thought of democracy and how every citizen counts. I remember the first time I voted in a presidential race. I was pretty naive about the candidates and choose who I remembered my parents talking about in our house. I voted for George Bush Sr. when my kindergarten class had an election at my grade school. If I remember correctly, he won overwhelmingly in our school when the results where announced on the intercom. I also have a couple random memories of President Clinton, his impeachment proceedings, and the infamous Al Gore's lock box analogy.

My first constant exposure with politics started when I was in middle school. I was on the academic team which meant I happily participated in spending some weekends on trips with my team to other schools to take hour long subject specific test, have them scored, and then award metals to the top three performances in each subject and grade. Yes, I was a nerdy child. I choose math as my subject and kind of liked being one of the few girls in the room taking the math test. I decided during my 2nd year on the team that I should participate in another subject, so I choose current events and started watching CNN all of the time.

I remember the first politician that caught my attention and it was Orin Hatch, a representative from Utah. He was vying for the Republican nomination for presidency in 2000. I don't remember exactly what I liked about him so much, but I do remember him talking about increasing teach pay, so maybe that's why I liked him. I was annoyed when George H W Bush gained the nomination. I also liked a man no one remembers now that ran for a Senate Seat in New York. I once again backed the wrong horse and saw the infamous Hilliary Clinton start her first term in the Senate. With my track record in politics it should be no surprise the one time I bet on a horse in a 12 horse run......you guessed it, my horse was the literal last horse to cross the line.

In high school I tried to be very up-to-date on all of the foriegn issues of our country. I completed for two years in speech and did an event called Foreign Extemporaneous Speaking which required a lot of knowledge of the current foreign events.

One of the first times I had a really mixed feeling about politics was when it was stated from the pulpit. Religion and Politics are scary thing sometimes. In some ways I think they are like oil and water, not mixing at all. The controversy of politics is how any issue really comes down to the fundamental beliefs and perceptions of the individual. If we say we love all of God's people and then preach against a "homosexual agenda" are we really showing love towards people? If we attend a church mainly composed of one ethnic group and have a preacher passing on ignorance and bitterness of another ethnic group are we uniting fellow believers of Christ?

While I don't think politics and religion can or should mix in this way, one can not deny a person's religious beliefs will influence their politics. What I have come to grow very weary of is a politician using their religion as a means to prove their morality or their worthiness. And then the media even claims a new faith for a candidate that has been a member of a different church for 20 years (I'm pretty sure on the number, but not 100%).

I am really anxious about this up and coming election. Our country faces some serious issues and I hate to see party push for its candidate by using some of George W Bush's antics of seemingly using his faith as a tool. Politics is a cut-throat, grueling activity. As it says in one of my favorite movies, "politics is perception". This is a pretty scary thought. I have a candidate this time that I am completely rooting for. If truth be told, I have cried twice listening to their speeches, being so moved. I see in them the things I want to believe and desperately hope for, but as the quote above suggest I yearn that this isn't just a perception I'm supporting. While I will be devastated if my candidate does not win, the funny thing about politics is after voting you just have to go along with the new president's decisions and hope in four years, you can vote for a person you do like and pray they win.

Sure, you all might say how pessimistic I'm being and how I can always write to my representatives, but after taking the time to write to two house members about a bill VERY directly effecting me, I saw them both not only voting against the way I wanted, but never receiving any type of response back ; not even a general automatic response of thanks for writing that is VERY easy to set up in an email account! I once greatly believed in the power of an individual's voice in our government and even had ambitions of running for office myself. That belief is almost all but diminished. I have one candidate I hope for. They wrote about the audacity of hope once and I want to believe them. I guess that is all I'm asking for. HOPE.

-Kristy

A somewhat constant part of my morning routine

I am NOT nor I imagine shall ever be a morning person. I despise getting up any earlier than 9:30 or so. As I lay in my bed most mornings contemplating how much longer I can hit the snooze button, I sometimes think how wonderful it would be to have a loving husband beside me. He would lovingly shake my shoulder and say, (without morning breath of course, because my husband won't suffer from any form of halitosis) "Honey, its time to get up."

After this scene plays out in my head, I think of needing to get married ASAP so I will have this wonderful person to help me get to class on time! Of course my proceeding though of marriage is all of the responsibility that would be added to my life and the need for myself to be a little more mature and stable. I conclude this dialogue in my head (by which I probably could have taken a shower and had makeup applied during all of this time instead of thinking) by resolving I need a more obnoxious alarm clock to get me up!

-Kristy

Cordiality and Civility

This is probably not a surprise to many of you, but I am not a person to bite my tongue. My love of literary figures like Jo of Little Women, Lizzy in Pride and Prejudice, Marianne of Sense and Sensibility are probably due to their rashness, intelligence, and frankness of tone. I am currently reading a book for my 19th Century Lit class called "The Mill on the Floss". Its starts with a wonderfully written impulsive, frank, little girl character named Maggie. From the beginning of her character's introduction, I have fallen in love with her. I feel like I am the same impulsive, strong opinionated little girl. All through my life, much like Maggie's continuing maturation through the book, I have struggled with learning the appropriate times to voice my opinions. Nothing can frustrate me more than to not have voiced my opinion in situations.

I naturally joined the debate team and throughly loved it. I befriended a very politically minded guy so we could have discussions on politics and other issues. I started blogging about 3 years ago. I have this seemingly very natural desire to have my thoughts known and discussing issues with others. I think this is a natural desire, but I wonder if I managed to develop a stronger need.

The idea of putting on airs or being completely cordial and civil all of the time is very repulsive to me. My great-grandma Irene (that I loved SO much) use to frustrate me to the end by nagging at us if we were not smiling, stating "There's no frowning at grandma's house". All of my life one of my main values of living is to be true, so it didn't seem right to me to being smiling while I was bored or annoyed. I always would fight fads and everything else I would deem as not me (however I define myself at that time).

I once had a very heated argument with my mother over an impression I apparently was giving off to a teacher. This teacher (that I was not even a student of hers) decided at the parent-teacher conference to disclose to my mother her suspicions of my boyfriend and I having sex. I was NOT nor never have had sex with him (or anyone for that matter) and was SO furious with that teacher. I still to this day would love to know her motives. My mother sat me down that night and told me what that teacher had said. My mother didn't seem to share in her suspicions, but cautioned me about my appearance. I was bent on proving my teacher was just an old judgmental hag and would hear nothing of how I might have caused this assumption.

This issue of appearances and judging is still a sticky problem in my mind. I try to just give the people the benefit of the doubt and not think of more than I could plainly see of any situation. I have never figured out a balance of frankness and cordiality. I am very easily self justified in saying exactly what I want to those I feel have wronged me. I like to think of myself as a nice person and whenever I am being nice there is never any catch or dubious reasoning behind my actions. What I struggle with sometimes is putting on that fake smile and acting pleasant for the sake of being cordial. While this is probably one of my faults, I also think my ability to stay true to myself is one of my perks. In summation I just have to keep looking for that balance and not show so much of my thoughts through my unconscious yet very obvious facial expressions.

-Kristy

Guns

There was an article in the student paper today about carrying guns. The question throughout the piece was whether students should be allowed to have concealed weapons on campus for protection due to the increase of school shootings. The pro-gun stance was of course they (the students with concealed guns) could protect us if a student started a shooting attack in the same classroom. Maybe I'm a little crazy, but I have a hard time believing this would carry more benefits than negatives. I'll admit I'm not too informed about citizens carrying around concealed weapons. I know that my roommate is very excited for her 21st birthday so she can get a license for carrying concealed weapons. What I do wonder about it whether the weapon is loaded when carried around. I really should hope not, but like I said I don't know much about these things. I just found the Oklahoma requirements for getting a concealed weapon license (the link is the official info). The minimum age is 21, but I did not see information about carrying the gun loaded or unloaded; but according to my roommate you would carry your gun loaded.

Now don't think I'm one of these prissy city girls that hates guns and the NRA. I've shot a rifle and I loved my bb gun I would shot in my backyard. In fact, I have killed with a gun; a rabbit about 30 yards away got a shot to the head once. I think people going hunting is a good thing. Sometimes I think people need to be reconnected with nature and what is a more masculine way for a guy to do that then hunt. I certainly know girls hunt (and if I ever find someone to take me, I want to go hunting), so don't think I'm not calling them masculine. This situation, however, is about the only way I am pro-gun. Showing my liberal bias now, I would love to see handguns being confiscated and make gun shows much more regulated. (Of course, I will acknowledge if some sort of law was enacted to outlaw handguns, the result would be much like our "war on drugs". Handguns would probably just get taken away from the responsible owners and people would just smuggle the handguns in from other areas to be sold on the infamous black markets of our country)

I just am shocked by the "logic" of people. They see a problem like school shootings and think the only way to solve it is to fight fire with fire and carry guns themselves. I see a huge problem with people assuming if they see a student with a gun on campus that the person has it for protection. The desensitization would be very counterproductive. I would have no problem calling the OU police every time on a person with a concealed weapon even if they were ever allowed on campus . I don't care if that person is carrying it for their protection, that gun on their person is not protecting me and in fact by its presence threatening me.

Once again, I just wonder at our nation's maladjustment pattern to big issues. We seem to never address problems full on and just take up side issues or short term solutions (like school vouchers, just pulling our troops out of a mess we created in other countries, mandating health insurance without first revolutionizing the corruption and inadequate coverage of the medical insurance companies). I pray that we find a way to stop these school shooting. I do believe people are good and just need help. Maybe all college students should be mandated to one counseling session per semester. Maybe we should have health screenings. I don't know. I do know that the answer is NOT more guns on campus.

-Kristy

PS. when I was trying to find gun statistics, I found this lovely little site. According to its logic, if I would become a doctor I would kill more people that guns...The site of course never thinks of how many of the patients the doctor treat would be from gun wounds.

Death!

Currently I am taking a philosophy class. I was really excited to start this class, partly due to my suspicion that I would love a topic whose sole topic is speculating about things that are unknown. I love to think about concepts and abstract things, so I thought this would be fun. The class was titled Philosophy and Literature with a description summery stating we would be reading literature and focusing on the philosophical nature of the stories. Thinking, Reading, and Discussion... some of my favorite activities! I arrive to the class and find all of the literature would be focusing on one theme: death.

At first I thought the rest of my Tuesday and Thursday afternoons would be depressing due to this subject being discussed for an hour and a half, but in many respects I've found it quite the contrary. The first book we read is The Death of Ivan Ilyich by Leo Tolestoy. While hating the main character at first, the story of Ivan grew on me and made me very conscience of my life, especially pertaining to the way it was being lived. In many ways after leaving this class, I seem to have a deeper passion for life and a fervor to be conscientiously insuring I am doing all that I deem necessary and good, because I could indeed die tomorrow.

During my first class session, my professor addressed some of the reasons for anxiety about death. One of my favorite things I have ever heard a person talk about was her discussion on the anxiety some experience over what could become of your body after you die. She was saying how this is a valid concern for many when thinking of death. She gave an example to illustrate a reason for the fear (which this was the best part). She said hypothetically she dies, her children decide to have her body preserved by a taxidermist, and then place her in the living room for display! (oh, I love the irony of a dead body in a LIVING room). Then years go by, my professor's children die and her preserved body is sold in a yard sale and she ends up in a frat house! I am laughing SO hard at this point with the visuals I have of a preserved body being in the corner of a frat house while crazy drunken frat boys are running all over the room. This is quite possibly one of the most disturbing yet hilarious thing I had ever heard. The horror of this situation is of course her helplessness of stopping it.

During this class I realized I am totally at ease with my mortality. This is probably due to this childhood fear I had of dying at the age of 16. This fear results from often being told often when I was young that I resembled my aunt Elaine that died when she was 16 in an accident. I guess it was just my childish logic, but I figured that since everyone told me I was so much like her I might meet an accidental death at the age of 16 as well. I never thought about this often; it was just something in the back of my head and apparently never told anyone about this until I mentioned it once in some conversation. Hope none of you think differently of my now...

As Christians we also talk about death, but it is much more in the context of the heaven afterlife we are promised. Once I started reexamining fundamental parts of Christianity according to different doctrines and common practice about 3 years ago, I've been stuck on the issue of heaven. I certainly do not agree with the "turn or burn" method of preaching I've seen occasionally. For one among other reasons, I don't think taking on the lifestyle of Jesus is based on staying out of hell, but bringing peace and as Brian McLaren says in The Secret Message of Jesus "a little piece of heaven to earth". I honestly don't know if I am certain there is a heaven after this life is over. I sometimes feel like people need this concept of heaven for a sense of comfort and a goal to work toward, like they need an ultimate reward for putting up with all of those trying people on earth and helping all of those sinners. I don't like the phrase of "earning my crowns in heaven" and others people mention while doing tasks they don't deem as pleasant or instantly rewarding. People are people, no matter their religious creed, race, or sex and deserve just treatment like everyone else. Sometimes I think that gets lost when just looking at the afterlife.

Just a couple more thoughts on death, then I'm wrapping this up (I promise). One interesting debate we had in the first days of class was how the belief in an afterlife can effect the way a person lives their life. If I don't believe there is anything after this life, I might be much more prone to do WHATEVER I deem fun, worthwhile, and needed. This freedom results in some ways from not worrying about punishment/justification aspect in the afterlife. On the other hand, a person that staunchly believes in an afterlife might have no problem dying prematurely (which another interesting concept I don't go into now) in an act of martyrdom. And of course the more normal example is the exact opposite of the first, a person denying themselves morally ambiguous activities (which could range from drinking alcohol, eating pork, having sex before marriage, smoking) to ensure their good standing in the afterlife.

I guess the great thing about this class is how deeply it makes a person look at the direction of their life and make sure it is one which they may not horribly regret. May we stop today and take a moment to be a little introspective, examining our lives to make sure we are living them to the fullest. May we never end like Ivan Ilyich in the conclusion of the book by realizing on our death bed we chased after the wrong things and missed out on what life really is about.

-Kristy

Hate

Hate takes a lot of energy. Maybe that's why we are told not to hate. I have always hated a certain holiday. I feel compelled to explain myself every time someone asks me why. Explaining that you don't like a day supposedly about love due to the commercialization and unimaginative ways its celebrated takes quite a while to convince them there is no bitterness rooted in that hate. In some ways I wonder if I'm being like the little kid that makes it a little too obvious that he "hates" the girl he in actuality likes quite a bit.

I am a hopeless romantic and have been for quite awhile, but I've developed a hard shell to possibly stop all of the hurt I've acquired being overly romantic. Today I decided I'm going to get rid of that hardened cynical shell and just have fun. Life is about experiences and sometimes those are getting hurt. And sometimes that hurt comes from letting someone close, but keeping people at a distance isn't the way to live. Just something I decided this morning. No more energy devoted toward a cultural phenomenon I can't stop. Just going to do what I deem appropriate. That's about it. May we all have the courage to do something we have avoided to keep us from hurt.

-Kristy

Poem

So, irony has always been my favorite form of literature. I'm sure lots of you may find it ironic that this zoology major has attempted to be poetic, so please don't be too harsh. I like it. Maybe you will too.


Colors
Anticipation, excitement
Like a bright bubbling pink
reminiscent of young girls
giggling loudly at their inside
joke being played on adults

Patience, waiting
feeling as dark as night
taught these are virtues
something to be conditioned
much like a monk content without food

Which emotion to indulge?
Which action to take?
Risk all prudence to go full speed
and potentially find lacking
Or endure the happy thoughts
and lay around for events to be put into motion

The answer must lie in between
Not in the pink or night black
Maybe in the green or yellow or even blue.
The unknown is frustrating.
The unknown is exhilarating.
The unknown is life.

Life is certainly full of colors!
Our lives must be dependent on how we use the colors.
Once dead, the remainder of our lives resembling a magnificent quilt
and hopefully not too many holes are present.


-Kristy

love......?!?

Voltaire has a quote saying "It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue."

I have to admit when I found that quote I laughed rather hard. I think that would be a great phrase for a Valentine Card. I'll have to make one and patent it! The word relationship and all of the surrounding connotations has been on my mind lately. I decided to kind of throw myself back into the dating realm lately and have found that things are much more complex then when I was dating in high school. It is amazing to me how many different reasons people seem have when desiring a dating relationship with a person of the opposite sex (or even the same sex for some I know).

When in high school, it was pretty simple because dating mainly entailed of hanging out with your friends, going to dances together, talking on the phone, and spending some time alone when your parents allowed it or when you were able to sneak away for a couple of hours. But now, the idea of dating isn't that easy. The average college student is stressed and looking to the future, so starting a relationship can be for all sorts of reasons, ranging from the physical-stress-reliever kind to the I-want-to-find-some-one-to-marry kind. And I guess one thing I've realized is that the guy doesn't seem to just come up to you and say, "Hey, I just want to talk to you for awhile to confuse you as to what my intentions are, act like I'm really interested, make you realize how sweet I can be, and then I stop answering your calls, acting like I never knew you. Sound good?" I think I would appreciate the frankness much more than the person doing just that. And I hope I don't sound bitter! I'm just a little frustrated.

Should a girl just continue to wait for her Mr. Darcy to knock on her door or does she really have to put up with the Mr. Wickhams, Mr. Willoughbys and other scoundrels before she can find and fully appreciate the one for her.

I spent a week this summer during which most of the nights were spent in conversations with many college girls contemplating all of the issues involving marriage. Our boss had posed the thought to us that God may have planned for us not to have husbands, which truly broke our hopeless romantic hearts. I do feel like girls are all brought up thinking it is only a matter in time before our shining knight on a horse rescues us like in the old Arthurian tales. I always thought it was so interesting how Paul was very adamant in the Bible mentioning that it is better for people to stay unmarried. These statements very abrasive to the Disney movie damsel in distress plots.

How in the world does a person go about deciding for themselves what kind of actions to take on these types of issues? For the last two years, I didn't think about it much. I just pushed it all toward the back of my head and concentrated on clarifying my wishes for the future, my values, and establishing myself as an adult.

As of late, I've been thinking about it more and resulted in reading a lot from Song of Songs, a book called Sex God (which the title makes it sound much dirtier than its innocent contents), observing other people in their relationships, and most of all contemplating the purpose and value of it all. I guess much like my stance on alcohol from my last blog, the jury still seems to be out. I certainly see nearly all of the advantages and negatives, but most of all wonder if I am selling myself short. I have never wanted to be perceived as a girl that is codependent, so I have taken many actions to show that I am independent and strong. I just wonder if I am avoiding the issue due to its complex nature. I know I'll keep struggling with this one for awhile. I guess I just wanted to admit to my blog what I've been really preoccupied with during the last month. I'm not sure I'm really asking for comments on this one....but feel free if you wanna. I'll just leave with this thought. May we all continue to work on the situations that are complex and not just take the easy position of ignoring them. I know I'm trying to fight this one. Love you all.
-Kristy

A moral dilemma of a smaller kind

So, I don't mean to be writing this to give myself a pat on the back or anything, but I faced a moral dilemma of sorts yesterday. As I mentioned in my last post, I'm living in the grey areas of life and am still grasping as to what concepts or events are absolute with concerns of morality for everyone and what issues are best left to the individual to choose. There are many issues I've been thinking about in this context and have not constructed many decisive arguments to push the issues one way or another for myself. One such issue I've dealt with for a long time is alcohol.

For some reason when I was younger, I decided I absolutely wanted to wait to have my first taste of alcohol on my 21st birthday and it would be a strawberry daiquiri. I certainly did have friends that drank in high school and I went to my fair share of lame parties when alcohol was present, but I had made up my mind and was not going back on it. And in truth, I wasn't even sure if I really did want to drink.

I never understood the reason for a need to drink. For one thing, it was not legal to be drinking at our age and I didn't have any desire to loose my inhibition. My serious bf of my high school years was a regular drinker. While we dated, I asked that he not drink and to my knowledge he only did once and he asked about it beforehand. I always tried to get him to explain to me why he drank or why people in general drank. My bf said he drank to have fun and that's why most people did. He also said others might drink because they needed an escape. I remember thinking those were lame excuses for just not being able to be self-controlled or ignoring issues or emotions.

At NWOSU I certainly saw my share of drunk people, sadly watched their inebriated actions, then would pile them into my car and drive them safely back to the dorms. Once again, I was determined to wait until I was 21 and after seeing what some of my peers did while drinking I was very unsure if I would even have my strawberry daiquiri. So my 21st birthday was this summer (by the way, this blog probably isn't going where you think it is...) and I didn't get my strawberry daiquiri. This summer I was working at a Christian camp and I knew they would not appreciate any alcohol consumption, so I knew I wouldn't be drinking not just because of my job but I still didn't know if I wanted to.

Since my birthday, I have gone to some of my old high school friend's 21st b-day parties and have had a couple of drinks and then every once in awhile have a drink with my friends on the weekend. I think I have probably drank a whopping 6 times in my life now. I'm a very big control freak, so I certainly have never drank enough to lose my inhibitions or act in a way I couldn't be proud of. So I still can't say I know what all of the excitement for drinking is about and am not sure that I will be drinking much longer. But this I know, I am not ashamed of my drinking or anything I have done while drinking.

This is where my smaller moral dilemma came into play. As I was filling out an application for the same summer camp I worked at last year, I came across a yes or no question asking if I have "consumed alcohol in the last 12 months". My answer is undeniably yes, BUT i am almost 100% sure that alcohol is viewed from the hiring department's perspective as a negative thing, so I contemplated answering no. I don't think I could describe how much this summer had to have been what God planned for me. It was exactly what I needed and continues to have an impact; so when I was thinking how I may not be able to work there due to my drinking, I panicked and definitely wanted to lie. I was thinking about all of this and asked my friend that just walked in the door at the time what she thought.

When I woke up while I was still laying in my bed, the answer came to me. At this point in my life, I think it is fine if a person of legal age decides to drink alcohol socially (by socially meaning with friends and not to excess) and does NOT try to drive. And if I use Jesus as my example, he certainly has turned water into wine but he didn't condone lying. There's that whole "let your yes be yes and your no be no" verse which can not be denied (Matthew 5:37). So while this may cost me a job and summer I would like to experience, I've decided without a doubt to answer yes on this. Like I said, this isn't a huge decision on my part, but something that made me stop and think. I fully expect if I get an interview I will be asked about this and I have no fear of answering for my actions. In fact despite all I've mentioned about my social drinking, I have technically consumed alcohol during communion at church in the last year, so just that alone would contribute to answering yes.

I don't know if anyone reading this will be too amazed by anything I wrote today, but it was just something I thought I would get off my head and see if anyone had a comment. I am going to challenge anyone that reads this along with myself with this statement. May we all find areas where we could be acting in a hypocritical manner and take steps to correct it, whether it be big or small.

-Kristy

a little STYX's philosopohy

As I was driving my 189 mile distance from my childhood home to my dorm room, I was growing bored and then sleepy so I carefully pulled a random cd out of my case. I placed the cd into my player to discover it was my copy of my father's Styx greatest hits cd. I grew up listening to this cd along with madonna, montley cru, zz top, and a little patsy cline to change things up. I was loudly proving to my car I still knew every word, but then I hit a slower song and I stopped. I started thinking about what they actually singing about. (Most of the rock I listen has a very blunt and shallow message, but I like the instrumentation and style so I've never cared too much.)
Anyway... I was realizing how deep some of the lyrics were and thought provoking. I was especially mesmerized by the lyrics of "Show me the way". I've always thought this song was pretty and liked the lyrics, but this time while listening, I truly felt the emotions of the song. Here's the first verse and chorus.

" Every night I say a prayer in the hope that theres a heaven
And every day I'm more confused as the saints turn into sinners
All the heroes and legends I knew as a child have fallen to idols of clay
And I feel this empty place inside so afraid that Ive lost my faith

Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the river
And wash my illusions away
Show me the way"

I think this song in many ways is about growing up, facing facts, and transitioning from the black and white issues of childhood and diving into the grey and unknown parts of life and the human condition. The common thought is of college being the transitional period in life, but I wonder of the truth in that. Sure we are gaining new roles of social and personal obligations, but after college are we really done changing? I should think not. During my 5 semesters thus far, I have certainly faced challenges and issues that have matured me. I have also been vexing and contemplating over defining my personal values and morals during this time.

At the end of the day, wouldn't it be easier as the song asks for to just be "shown the way" and have "illusions washed away". It would save many an emotional day and lessen confusion, but isn't that the greatness of life--making mistakes, learning, living, and going on. I once read a book about dating that my mother insisted I read after I had completed reading the whole "I dated kissed dating goodbye" fadish book, and while I don't remember much of the book or even the title, one point I apply universally has stayed with me and I have found to be a rather good life lesson. The synopsis is even though that situation or long event hurt emotionally doesn't mean it was bad. It was saying that the result of sadness, doesn't prove the forerunning event was necessarily bad. Obviously, this should not be applied to all situations, but it makes me think about sadness and hurting in a different light.
Maybe I am a little strange by having a STYX song start a philosophical adventure, but I think it was a good reminder. I have been getting frustrated with all of the unknowns surrounding my life, feeling like once I have things lined out life will be good. May we all remember to not fall into the temptation of sitting back and waiting for things to be perfect; we will end up missing out on life and the beautiful chaos loosing knitting our lives together.

-Kristy

Pride & Prejudice

I watched 5 hours of this BBC production of Pride and Prejudice yesterday afternoon. I've heard this book being suggested to many men as a glimpse into a woman's soul. I have to admit that since the latest movie with Keira Knightley I have not hear any girl confessing a dislike for this movie. While I prefer the book, I do love the screenplays that have been based on this novel in many ways.

I have figured out what I really like about this book and maybe why it is so popular with girls. Mr Darcy (the main character) falls in love with Lizzy due to her wit and intelligence. I think deep down all girls do want to be loved but they especially desire the love that is not shallowly attracted by the bodies or some other circumstances (more aptly called lust). We want to be loved because we are special. I want to be noticed not because of my physical appearance, but my intellectual depth. I want someone to talk to, not a guy to stare at me. I guess I want a lot of things and maybe some of them aren't realistic. I once made a list of the characteristics of what I wanted in my future husband and its kind of funny to see what I thought I wanted at the time. Maybe I will find my Mr. Darcy one day, but until then I'm trying to keep telling myself that people really aren't that perfect. Its only a movie. It will be the little faults or quirks of the man that will make him adorable; just like I hope my midnight furniture arranging will be thought of as cute.

-Kristy