Cordiality and Civility

This is probably not a surprise to many of you, but I am not a person to bite my tongue. My love of literary figures like Jo of Little Women, Lizzy in Pride and Prejudice, Marianne of Sense and Sensibility are probably due to their rashness, intelligence, and frankness of tone. I am currently reading a book for my 19th Century Lit class called "The Mill on the Floss". Its starts with a wonderfully written impulsive, frank, little girl character named Maggie. From the beginning of her character's introduction, I have fallen in love with her. I feel like I am the same impulsive, strong opinionated little girl. All through my life, much like Maggie's continuing maturation through the book, I have struggled with learning the appropriate times to voice my opinions. Nothing can frustrate me more than to not have voiced my opinion in situations.

I naturally joined the debate team and throughly loved it. I befriended a very politically minded guy so we could have discussions on politics and other issues. I started blogging about 3 years ago. I have this seemingly very natural desire to have my thoughts known and discussing issues with others. I think this is a natural desire, but I wonder if I managed to develop a stronger need.

The idea of putting on airs or being completely cordial and civil all of the time is very repulsive to me. My great-grandma Irene (that I loved SO much) use to frustrate me to the end by nagging at us if we were not smiling, stating "There's no frowning at grandma's house". All of my life one of my main values of living is to be true, so it didn't seem right to me to being smiling while I was bored or annoyed. I always would fight fads and everything else I would deem as not me (however I define myself at that time).

I once had a very heated argument with my mother over an impression I apparently was giving off to a teacher. This teacher (that I was not even a student of hers) decided at the parent-teacher conference to disclose to my mother her suspicions of my boyfriend and I having sex. I was NOT nor never have had sex with him (or anyone for that matter) and was SO furious with that teacher. I still to this day would love to know her motives. My mother sat me down that night and told me what that teacher had said. My mother didn't seem to share in her suspicions, but cautioned me about my appearance. I was bent on proving my teacher was just an old judgmental hag and would hear nothing of how I might have caused this assumption.

This issue of appearances and judging is still a sticky problem in my mind. I try to just give the people the benefit of the doubt and not think of more than I could plainly see of any situation. I have never figured out a balance of frankness and cordiality. I am very easily self justified in saying exactly what I want to those I feel have wronged me. I like to think of myself as a nice person and whenever I am being nice there is never any catch or dubious reasoning behind my actions. What I struggle with sometimes is putting on that fake smile and acting pleasant for the sake of being cordial. While this is probably one of my faults, I also think my ability to stay true to myself is one of my perks. In summation I just have to keep looking for that balance and not show so much of my thoughts through my unconscious yet very obvious facial expressions.

-Kristy