The Stop

So I got back to Alva Saturday around noon and was exhausted. I slept for awhile but my younger brothers were not going to allow this to happen too long. The last couple of days I felt like I was going to go crazy here. I hadn’t realized how accustomed I had become to the late night talks with all of the girls and the crazy talk we all would have with my boss in the staffeteria. I was all set to head back to falls creek and run away from this place. I was ready to go back to what I had known the last two months and to what I was comfortable. I decided to go for a run.

My little brother’s cd player he let my use during my jog quit a couple minutes into the jog, so it was just me and the road ahead of me. When I run I like to pick different starting and ending points like a telephone pole and then a road for the ending point. I was walking about to start another jog but this was going to be my most demanding of the day. I was starting at this road and running to a stop sign. Exhaustion hit me once I started but I was determined to make it to my goal. As I was approaching the stop sign, I started running faster so I could reach my goal faster. I was breathing very hard and thought I might have to sit down by this stop sign on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere. And then as I was standing breathing as quickly as I could, God put this thought in my head. This break, this pause, this heavy breathing is what I am doing right now in my life. I’m processing what God has been telling and teaching me this summer. Now I just need to be in Alva like I am and continue to breath until I’m ready to start my jog again.
-Kristy

Works

I've been thinking about what people call acts of kindness or good works. A lot of times these things are simple little things like helping an older woman across the street, holding the door open for someone. Just small gestures. I like to do little things like this. Usually I try to do them without people noticing or making a big deal about it. I don't know why, but I really don't like people noticing me when I do these things.

This summer at Falls Creek I've always been picking up trash at random times while I walk around the grounds. It is not really an obsession like some people have been saying, but its sort of a conviction I have (I could write a whole blog about that, so we'll talk about it this other time). During about week 3, one of my supervisors noticed I was picking up trash as I was walking to dinner. He made sure everyone knew about it and everyone else behind me started picking up trash as well. He gave me a hard time about it for awhile. Then I helped out in the cafeteria a little bit this last week and this other boy would not stop teasing me about it. I told him that I was hoping he didn't notice.

Once he said something about how I wasn't going to get my crown in heaven now for that act, it really made me think about my intentions while doing my acts of kindness. I can't say that I ever do these things for attention or recognition; however, I can't say that I really do think, "I'm doing this for God's glory". I actually tend to be motivated by my compassion or love of others. So what I've been wondering lately is if my motivation is not what it should be. Am I still doing these small things for God if I am not explicitly thinking of him? When a person is motivated to do things due to compassion for others are they still doing these things for God by loving people?? or are these actions somewhat selfish by nature? So I guess what I'm wondering is if we are bringing God glory in our actions even if they are not oozing with religious implications. I know Jesus would heal people's physical detriments, but wouldn't he also use those as teaching tools? Is this entry just a selfish way of showing that i'm a good person or am I trying to point my discussion and thoughts toward God? Could you ever reach a conclusion about this discussion? I don't know....Just my thoughts.
-Kristy

Nature

Have you ever had one of those times where you just sat in wonder and awe. I've had these moments when I desperately wanted to be more poetic so I could describe the scene, feelings, and sensations that were being experienced. Kind of like in Contact when Jodie Foster is staring at this spectacular display of the universe and as she's trying to describe it for her records she starts crying saying how they should have sent a poet not a scientist.

I had one of those moments last night. I got to just sit around and listen to three guys (of very different ages and had never met) improvising and trying to play some music. Once they became accustomed to each other, they played very well together and I just couldn't help but smile. And then I would close my eyes so i could just concentrate on the music and nothing else around it. I had a similar experience around this time last year in a little town in Arkansas named Mountain View. It was this extremely picturesque place with a typical small town charm. Downtown the local people all gathered around and started playing some folk music. My friend and I would just walk around the square, listening to different groups of people playing. Music like this always puts me into one of those awestruck moments.

This morning I woke up and felt like my senses had been enhanced; everything looker more vivid and my sense of touch was very alert. I just woke up looking outside my window, thinking how beautiful it was. Then during the closing of our morning meeting as a prayer was being said, the wind started blowing just enough to move hair around in the breeze. As I was sitting there with my eyes closed with my hair moving, I just had this consuming feeling of how wonderful life is. After the prayer I headed up to this wooded area which I was assigned to watch for campers. One of my friends and I were just talking about silly stuff in the woods and then i laid down on the rocks we had been sitting on. I was just staring at the clear blue sky, the beautiful green trees, and just listening to the hymn that was being sung in the amphitheater behind me. I felt like this is how God planned for our lives to be. In moments like this, I believe we can experience God in some of the purest forms. I can't really say that I was specifically thinking of God, but I know He was there. I always feel this way when I'm around nature. Its beauty overwhelms me. The purity and simplicity of it all always speaks to me. I wonder if that is how Adam and Eve felt in the garden of Eden. I am just glad I got the opportunity to meet my creator this morning and just drink in His creations. And the exciting thing about God is how this can and will happen all the time.

-Kristy

H2O

So...
I was thinking about water. How it relates to humans, how it is used by humans, how it affects humans, and just water’s physical properties. I thinking about how water seems to have a profound impact upon us. I grew up just having this very natural desire--for lack of a better word– of being in water. Maybe its because my mother had me swimming at a very early age (well more like her holding me while I kicked and blew bubbles). But as long as I can remember, I’ve always spent the majority of my summer in the pool at all times. It seems very peaceful whenever I am engulfed in water.

I was in a very thoughtful and maybe overwhelming mood last night. For the last couple of days I’ve just felt bombarded with this constant flow of ideas. I can’t seem to stop or resolve any of these constant thoughts. I guess I’ve just been overwhelmed with my analytic thought process and not being able to reach any conclusion was further driving me into an even more analytic stage. So last night I was just sick of this feeling and was just emotional to the point of tears, so I decided to take a shower. My best friend growing up would always take showers when she needed to cry, so I thought I would give it a try and then I wouldn’t be around anybody while I was crying, so maybe I could just think and clear my head. As soon as I got into my shower and the water was running, I just sat down and had the water running over me. As strange as this sounds, I started feeling better already. I just sat there for awhile. Then suddenly I had this thought/flashback of my baptism in August of ‘95. As I was remembering that event, I was thinking about how water is the perfect medium for baptism. I was thinking about how water is used to clean our bodies. And following this cleansing, this sensation of cleanliness just engulfs us. This is just what we are promised when we decide to embrace Jesus and start following him. We are promise that our sins are washed as white as snow. Notice how the verb washed is used. It implies the use of water (or at least water with some solvent in it). So I was in my shower thinking about how this water running over me is helping me wash away some of these feelings. So after my introspective shower, I came out feeling better. Now I haven’t stopping thinking about these categories I’ve been wrestling with, but I feel that my head is a little clearer.

As I was walking to the cafeteria to write all of this, I noticed the large pool of water by our cabin. Its just this large pond that is in the middle of this large stream, so water is constantly flowing into and out of it. Due to the large amount of rain last night, the water level seemed to be at the highest point I’ve noticed this summer. As a result of this high water level, the natural tide of water creating a whirlpool became more visible. Due to the more narrow opening where the water leaves the pool, some water is stopped from leaving the pool and starts circling opposite the stream of the river. It flows very slowly backward and eventually joins the stronger current and then flows past the pool continuing on the river’s path. As I was watching this phenomenon (which the foam makes more pronounced) I was thinking about how often water is used as a metaphors for our lives, or just the process of living. I wonder if these metaphors are created due to the chemical properties of liquid water. Its very flexible and fluid just like our lives.

As I was watching this whirlpool I started thinking of my last academic year and the last couple of years in my life. I feel like I was just floating down the river trying to live my life in the way I felt God would desire me to live, and then I reached the end of that pool......and I wasn’t ready to go past it yet. I don’t feel like I’ve been continuing down the stream, but I was moving even though it was backwards; however I don’t think this process of going backward is a bad thing. I think its just been preparing me for the end of the pool and the waterfall that follows it. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last year. I’ve had to spend some quality time by myself (some willingly some not). I’ve also realized what I can become when I’m not focused on the correct things. I spent way to much time focused on my grades and my job which resulted in me forgetting the important things of learning, growing, making friends, laughing, and most importantly learning more about my Maker and His plans for me. I’m not sure what those are, but I feel like I’m back in the flow toward the end of the pool and getting ready for the waterfall. I have no idea how long this journey toward the falls might take, but I think that God has really start preparing me for what ever this might be. I also think I’m starting to maybe get a glimpse of why I’ve the last couple of years have gone the way they have and how they were getting me ready for what’s to come. I can’t say that everything I’ve done is what God desired me to do, yet I feel like a lot of what I did has helped me change for the best and also help me grasp a better sense of who I am. So here comes the current, I just hope it isn’t too late.
-Kristy

My first thought.....

Life is very interesting....and getting to know yourself is strange. Yes, isn't that a broad statement. This last semester at OU was very interesting to say the least. I got very caught up in my part time job, getting good grades, and I ended up making myself miserable. I spent a lot of time in my room, feeling exhausted, not studying enough, and just sort of depressed. I ended up not making great grades, found out that I didn't need to be paying for all the stuff I thought I needed to be, and didn't make any more friends. Needless to say, I was VERY, VERY excited for finals and for the semester to end. Then, I found out I would be working for Falls Creek.

I get to Falls Creek and find out it was exactly what I needed. This last academic year has definitely had its good and bad, but i think the bad parts were really hard. I was depressed for some of it, I worked a lot and had a hard time making friends, but worse of all (and I just recently realized this) I lost my communication with my LORD. I wouldn't say that I lost my relationship with God, because I still went to church and I certainly don't believe one can loose thier salvation; but i just sort of chilled on a spiritual plateau for most of the academic year. I think I learned some things intellectually, but I don't feel like I've really grown as a person or as a Christian.

So this summer, I've been finding the personal God I was missing. The odd thing about the whole thing is that I can't say I've been rebelling openly against my Christian faith or had major issues with my God. I guess I just daily unconsciously slid further and further away, kinda like an old friend in a different town that you just slowly quit talking to. I read some books over the last couple of years that really made me start thinking more about how I view God and what my understanding of being a Christian means. These books made Christianity seem more alive and free. I felt like my Christian life could be more than just following rules, doing good, and feeling guilty during church services. But as a result I think I ended up being a little bitter toward my childhood denomination due to this new kind of freedom I felt like I have and was not allowed in my old church (however I do realize that this was more self-imposed). I explored this freedom in intellectual ways during my first year at OU. I tried to not just look at issues and people from a quote unquote Christian way, but from an intellectual and inquisitive sort of way. I will say that I did grow in my knowledge of understand of people not from America, but I however didn't seem to grow personally.

I have to admit I was kind of hesitant about working at this Christian camp, fearing I would be too unique and free thinking. Thankfully I was pretty mistaken in that area. Just within the ropes course staff I work in there are large degrees of individuality in mannerisms, conversations, styles of leading, ways of worshiping, and ways of expression. I think while I have known this for a long time, God really looks at the heart and your intentions. I have had God with me all the time, yet I was not intentionally thinking and living for him. I can't say that I was acting like a bad person (as however you might define that), but I wasn't becoming a better Christian. So that has been my lesson this first month of camp.....can't wait to see what this month will bring!

-Kristy