Be Cool....

Sometimes I feel like believing in God isn't cool. I grew up always wanting to be an individual. I never wanted to be like anyone else and never would do anything just because it was expected of everyone or its the norm for most people. I think this is why sometimes I have doubts about God. I've never felt like these doubts were a bad thing. In fact in someways, when I look back at those times in my life when I didn't think about God I feel like I learned so much about myself and about the world and ended up gaining a deeper and new look at God.

So given my desire to be different you might have expected me to have a rebellious past full of drinking, drugs, sex, and all that jazz. I actually grew up always wanting to please my parents and tried to live my life the way my preacher and youth leader told me to live. I use to read my Bible pretty regularly and pray all of the time. The preacher's daughter and I became good friends and tried to spend a lot of high school being the examples of a good Christian by having "good, clean fun", going to all of the Christian events, attending church every time the door was open, and praying for all of our high school. I even would fast sometime. This is what I was told would make me a good Christian and that's what I wanted to be. I somehow molded my childhood desires of wanting to be different into this persona of trying to be the perfect Christian girl that as a result would be different because she was the real deal.

I lived this way for most of my middle school and high school years (with one exception that involved a certain boyfriend). Toward the end of high school in my senior year, I found this book I just loved. It was called a generous orthodoxy. I think I enjoyed this book so much because I seemed to tell me that maybe the ways I was told I had to live to be a good Christian wasn't right. Maybe there was more to just following laws, singing praise songs, and reading the Bible. It was an interesting thought that has put me on a journey. The last 3 years in college I have struggled joining or meeting follow Christians that I thought were cool. My first year I found the people at the BSU to be rather boring and seemingly very judgmental toward the people they seemed did not seem to be that "good Christian" i was trying to be earlier in my life. Last year I didn't even go to quote unquote Christian groups, because I was afraid they would be no different. Yes, I'm being judgemental but I would rather join a group with a purpose like feeding the hungry which I would assume have some Christians (at least I would hope so.....it is one of the explicit examples of what Jesus did).

Yesterday I just finished a book I've been reading all semester called "blue like jazz". It was talked about by a lot of people I worked with this summer, so i was curious what this book was and I think a lot of the people in the ropes staff this summer were cool christians; i figured the book was worth my time. I should say the reason I thought some of these people were was their conversations about going to a jazz bar and things my pastor would have fainted about if he heard them. I could tell while I was reading the book why the people this summer would like this book. The author seemed like such a real person. Talking very candidly about his feelings. I think I liked this book because he would talk about smoking, drinking, cussing, doubts, and all sorts of things and never try to gloss over these things or condemn them. I guess right now I am just struggling with a fundamental question. I've always tried to be a very real person (I've never understood why people hide behind or use facades). I just don't know how to grow in being a christian without it being better at following a set of rules. I think I am growing and maybe that's why I liked the rules because they were proof of growth. I want to be a cool, unique individual. I'm just not sure how to be a cool Christian that is healthy and real. I think is very difficult to walk this line. But I'm trying. I think that's all I can ask of myself right now.

-Kristy