Theology versus Living

So, today I had a great morning drive to church. I decided to go to a church that I have only attended once before but absolutely embraced it. The church is about an hour away, which might be a little long of a drive for church, but a lot of my friends from camp attend there. I had also heard my boss mention this church in various conversations during the summer and thought it sounded interesting. The pastor was very intellectually stimulating, personal, and funny (which I'm not sure I have met too many pastor's like this...).

On my drive to church I was thinking about a decision I made last night. It was one of those decisions that seem potentially large, but once looked back at a person just laughs, thinking how silly they were acting. I was still a little unsure of my decision during my driving, feeling that it may be motivated by some selfish ambitions and could make a situation a little more complex. Last night while trying to make my decision I realized it was 1:30 am already, so asking people for their input would be a little hard; I thought before I went to bed I prayed about it. While this doesn't seem like a big deal to most Christians, I should maybe say that I haven't actually had a moment when I just sat down and prayed for months. Yes, I know I'm a horrible person and you all may tell me so, but sometimes I feel lately like I having been living with Jesus being my theology of life in place of Jesus having an active relationship with me.

Maybe if I explain some ideas I've been struggling with lately, you might understand better. Sometimes I think its much easier to think of Jesus as an historical figure and a result in my life due to my western culture's way of promoting morality. I know this is complete humanism and some would just tell me I lack fiath, but I do occasionally think that religion is just a means of calming the masses and giving a purpose to life for people; possibly even a way to boost their self-esteem and provide an identity (by believing they are the chosen people of a god, or they are serving the correct and only god). I probably tend to think this way more often when I encounter or hear of people justifying horrible things in the name of Jesus. Or people just completely ignoring facts or logic and holding tightly to a verse that they have taken out of context in the Bible. Or people showing up at funerals with signs saying "God hates Fags" and other nonsense. My mother would tell me theses thoughts of doubting Jesus or my other thoughts of religion is all coming from my constant analyzing (and yes, most of my thoughts are a result of much analyzing and contemplation), but I can't help but to think sometimes religion (and yes this includes Christianity) and theology ends up hurts more people than helping anyone. Don't believe me? Ask a Muslim about the Crusades. What about all of those people in biblical times that were killed in the old testament simply due to the fact that they weren't Jewish? How about the jihad and killing people for Allah?

Well back to last night. I wasn't sure what to do, so I prayed. I just sat there and was talking to God in my head (which i guess is what prayer is anyway, huh?). I turned the light off and kept my lamp on in hopes I would have better concentration. After some time, I felt I had heard what God wanted to say and then feel asleep. My mother called me this morning wondering if I was driving to this church and then I proceeded to ask her opinion on my situation. I guess you could say I wanted affirmation of God's answer though my mom (and yes, I do struggle with some trust issues with God). She affirmed what I felt like God was telling me (however, God seemed to give me a more detailed answer), so I felt I had reached the correct decision. During my drive, I turned off my music so I could just think and not be distracted. Oddly enough, I finding driving on highways with the dull brown (or sometimes green) plains of Oklahoma results in my most clear state of mind. Upon my arrival at the church, many faces of my camp friends appeared. The preacher once again seemed to be talking only to me and I felt another nudge from God during a couple of sentences in the sermon. My decision I feel was correct and I guess I learned yet another lesson in faith. May we all continue to be lead by God and learn more lessons in faith so we might be better messengers for Christ in our words and actions.

-Kristy