Tough

I like to think that I'm tough. I can take whatever life throws at me and make it work. Maybe this is because I am the oldest of three younger brothers, so I usually had to fend for myself. Being tough is hard work. There is physical toughness which requires a lot of training time at the gym. There is mental toughness which requires the ability to push yourself through emotion and/or physical hurdles. There is also emotional toughness. While i'm not into being physically tough and think i fare rather well in mental toughness, I'm not sure i'm very tough when it comes to emotions. And sure i'm a girl and that seems to be enough of an excuse for some people, but I don't want to be weak. I think that is why I love Christina from Grey's Anatomy so much. I have to admit I did use being a female when I use to play co-ed soccer. The guys never thought I was a threat until they came close and I slide tackled them! (I guess much like poor Tyler Smith this summer when we were playing football....)

Ever since I started college, I've been trying to be this strong, independent, intellectual, driven woman. Its a hard thing to do. This desire probably developed from seeing these women in college all dolled up all of the time, seemingly just looking for a husband with a bright future. I've always had dreams and desires for some type of graduate degree and never wanted to feel like I left it all to become a cleaning and organizing robot of a household. I use to tell my mom growing up, I wanted to marry a pansy husband to cook and clean while I'll be the one watching monday night football. I think I've realized trying to be this tough individual person has made me become overwhelmed and struggling to admit I can't do eveything.

In high school, I really could do everything. I managed to have 2 serious boyfriends, receive three superior rating on vocal solos at the state level, debated and did extemporaneous speaking for two years winning many awards, participated in show choir, played the flute and bassoon in band and also lead the drum line my senior year, took almost very advanced class available, became the first female poll vaulter from Alva, and other things. I did lots. And then I went to college. I think I am still learning that despite my talents, I do have limits and I need to not push myself too hard. I am competitive and tough, but I think my problem is that I'm too tough on myself. In the end, I'm afraid I am much like the crashed hummer. I look all tough (well probably more act like I'm tough) but when it comes to crunch time, I'm really quite a softy. Trying to work on balancing this more, but hopefully never reach the point I look like a push over. I think I would feel like I lost it all if people started thinking I'm a softy. Then what's to say my loving little brothers would not gang up on me and stage a coup? Before I know it, my brothers might start called me "little sis" and stealing my stuff...
-Kristy