the paper

So, I've been settling down here in Norman and its been rather hectic. I've decided to go ahead and be pre-med so I have a rough and full reschedule ahead of me (which by the way any prayers for me though out this semester would not be underrepresented!!). This year I moved all of my stuff into the dorm room myself. I had everything moved in, rearranged to maximize space exactly as planned; then suddenly I had a roommate so we moved everything again! After shopping at Target, I was feeling especially collegiate carrying my 12 pack of toilet paper, listening to boomer sooner being played as I walked to my dorm room. I guess that sounds a little odd!

The first week of classes is always interning. There are always non-students around campus the first weeks telling you about this or protesting that. Monday I was given two papers like the one you see on my blog. The next morning I received one that was a little different. These little pamphlets are there to tell me how I could become a Christian. I don't think these are practical and simply almost a waste of time. Maybe I am just extremely cynical and hard headed, but I'm pretty sure if I was given a little post card size piece of paper telling me how to become a Muslim, I would not decide to become a Muslim after reading it. I think it would have to be a pretty profound stream of thoughts jammed together for it to have that large of an effect. If anyone knows of a conversion resulting from something like this, PLEASE tell me about it! I would love to know how it happened. I guess while analyzing myself as I'm writing this, maybe a bigger issue is that I don't see GOD in the everyday presence as much as I should. Whose to say that a person that this paper wasn't contemplating that very decision before the paper was given to them and the paper made them decide to commit. I guess I just think people should not bother handing these out. This situation reminds me a lot of the video called Bullhorn from Rob Bell's nooma series (its too late to explain all of the story....you can get a summery of here). Rob Bell's video visually progresses a story of a man taking a bullhorn out onto the street with the intention of telling people they need to convert and they are going to hell......you get the point.

One thing I have always loved about one of teaching of Jesus that has always stayed with me, is how he taught its the intentions that count. He told people that if they had anger in their heart, they have already committed murder. WOW!!! how powerful is that little statement. I think that one statement could produce an amazing bible.

So I guess my struggle is this. I see these people handing out stuff like these "tracks" as they are called and tell myself they must have good intentions. I wonder, however, if they are wasting their time on something instead of doing something more productive. In the end, I just need to stick with one of my favorite passages of the Bible (Matthew 7:1-6) and not judge them (especially so I won't be judged by the same standard ex. wasting my time like it says in Matthew) and pray that GOD may bless what they are doing. Any other suggestions? May we all find a different way we are being judgmental or intolerant and change that today!

-Kristy

Complete

So, I've been thinking a lot lately of my status of being single. Some of this was a result of people recently bringing this aspect of my life out into the open and discussing it. I have to admit at first it was sort of fun and flattering to have people saying "Kristy, you should meet ----" or "Kristy, you would get along so well with---" and other variations of the same sentiments. It was also interesting what I would say or do before these comments would be said. After awhile, I must say, it started bothering me. I was very confused for about a week as to why. I did have a lot of things on my mind (or maybe instead of things, it was more like an ongoing and complex thought that seemed just beyond my analytical thought process).

One day I realized that these comments were starting to bother me due to this resulting feeling of incompleteness. I guess it made me feel like people didn't think I was whole by myself; like I literally did need a better half as people often call their spouses. I don't know if that makes sense. But after being told I needed to meet this guy or start dating this guy, I felt like people were thinking I lacked something. This really conflicts my independent single woman front I try to display from time to time (with which I try to hide my hopeless romantic soul).

Recently, I have been telling my mother I will probably get married when I'm 30. This makes her pretty sad and perplexes her a bit as well (especially due to her dating life consisting of dating my father since 7th grade). I never think my mother does have any right to try to give me dating advise. I have more dating experience that she does (well at least I’ve dated more guys). But back to the 30 year old goal...I have two point for my rational of this approach.

1) So hopefully I won't be too focused on dating boys and lose my perspective.

2) if I get married later in life, it won't bother me (it's what I planned all along......lol) and if something happens earlier then great, it will be exciting.

One of my favorite nights this summer happened in the stafferteria after the tabernacle service. Somehow there were about 10 girls surrounding my boss asking him about dating, marriage, and all of that junk. Throughout the conversation he would constantly be challenging these girls' assumptions of all of them getting married and where God does want all of them to be married. I thought it was fun watching these girls looking like my boss just ripped their hearts out by saying such things. (I have a sneaking suspicion he also enjoyed this scene).

Once our curfew approached, we all then sat on a couple of beds still discussing this subject. I thought they all were going to cry themselves to sleep. I was pretty engrossed in the conversation as well. (I guess I am trying to sound all tough, but I am a pretty hard hopeless romantic at heart. I think my only difference is that I had thought about all of this before). As I was talking I putting something into words which I had felt for a long time but never really could express. I said something like "I think you have to reach a point in your life where you are complete in God before you can reach the starting point of the process of creating a health marriage".

I don't know if that is mind blowing to you, but as I said it I felt better about myself. As I said earlier, I was feeling just somewhat overwhelmed by the regular inferences to my single state and in my mind the fact that I have not had a boy friend for two years kept jabbing at my brain like a thin razor. After saying my quoted statement above, my mind started flashing through my struggles and issues I dealt with over the last two years. I feel like God has been shaping me and molding me a lot by showing me lots of my faults, (of course more than I would like to have known...) my passions, and my need for Him. So I don't feel bad about having been single for awhile now. And I really don't mind that I'm not married at this moment (just the thought of my recent ability to purchase alcohol cracks me up and makes me feel grown up, I can't imagine being married!!!). I think it all has been in His plan after all. Maybe one day I’ll get married, maybe I never will...but I guess the important thing is to be complete in God either way. And if my theory and all of those romantic comedies are true, now will be the time for me to find my man...when i'm not expecting it.

-Kristy

P.S. sorry its so long…I’ve been writing this one in my head for a while.

The Stop

So I got back to Alva Saturday around noon and was exhausted. I slept for awhile but my younger brothers were not going to allow this to happen too long. The last couple of days I felt like I was going to go crazy here. I hadn’t realized how accustomed I had become to the late night talks with all of the girls and the crazy talk we all would have with my boss in the staffeteria. I was all set to head back to falls creek and run away from this place. I was ready to go back to what I had known the last two months and to what I was comfortable. I decided to go for a run.

My little brother’s cd player he let my use during my jog quit a couple minutes into the jog, so it was just me and the road ahead of me. When I run I like to pick different starting and ending points like a telephone pole and then a road for the ending point. I was walking about to start another jog but this was going to be my most demanding of the day. I was starting at this road and running to a stop sign. Exhaustion hit me once I started but I was determined to make it to my goal. As I was approaching the stop sign, I started running faster so I could reach my goal faster. I was breathing very hard and thought I might have to sit down by this stop sign on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere. And then as I was standing breathing as quickly as I could, God put this thought in my head. This break, this pause, this heavy breathing is what I am doing right now in my life. I’m processing what God has been telling and teaching me this summer. Now I just need to be in Alva like I am and continue to breath until I’m ready to start my jog again.
-Kristy

Works

I've been thinking about what people call acts of kindness or good works. A lot of times these things are simple little things like helping an older woman across the street, holding the door open for someone. Just small gestures. I like to do little things like this. Usually I try to do them without people noticing or making a big deal about it. I don't know why, but I really don't like people noticing me when I do these things.

This summer at Falls Creek I've always been picking up trash at random times while I walk around the grounds. It is not really an obsession like some people have been saying, but its sort of a conviction I have (I could write a whole blog about that, so we'll talk about it this other time). During about week 3, one of my supervisors noticed I was picking up trash as I was walking to dinner. He made sure everyone knew about it and everyone else behind me started picking up trash as well. He gave me a hard time about it for awhile. Then I helped out in the cafeteria a little bit this last week and this other boy would not stop teasing me about it. I told him that I was hoping he didn't notice.

Once he said something about how I wasn't going to get my crown in heaven now for that act, it really made me think about my intentions while doing my acts of kindness. I can't say that I ever do these things for attention or recognition; however, I can't say that I really do think, "I'm doing this for God's glory". I actually tend to be motivated by my compassion or love of others. So what I've been wondering lately is if my motivation is not what it should be. Am I still doing these small things for God if I am not explicitly thinking of him? When a person is motivated to do things due to compassion for others are they still doing these things for God by loving people?? or are these actions somewhat selfish by nature? So I guess what I'm wondering is if we are bringing God glory in our actions even if they are not oozing with religious implications. I know Jesus would heal people's physical detriments, but wouldn't he also use those as teaching tools? Is this entry just a selfish way of showing that i'm a good person or am I trying to point my discussion and thoughts toward God? Could you ever reach a conclusion about this discussion? I don't know....Just my thoughts.
-Kristy

Nature

Have you ever had one of those times where you just sat in wonder and awe. I've had these moments when I desperately wanted to be more poetic so I could describe the scene, feelings, and sensations that were being experienced. Kind of like in Contact when Jodie Foster is staring at this spectacular display of the universe and as she's trying to describe it for her records she starts crying saying how they should have sent a poet not a scientist.

I had one of those moments last night. I got to just sit around and listen to three guys (of very different ages and had never met) improvising and trying to play some music. Once they became accustomed to each other, they played very well together and I just couldn't help but smile. And then I would close my eyes so i could just concentrate on the music and nothing else around it. I had a similar experience around this time last year in a little town in Arkansas named Mountain View. It was this extremely picturesque place with a typical small town charm. Downtown the local people all gathered around and started playing some folk music. My friend and I would just walk around the square, listening to different groups of people playing. Music like this always puts me into one of those awestruck moments.

This morning I woke up and felt like my senses had been enhanced; everything looker more vivid and my sense of touch was very alert. I just woke up looking outside my window, thinking how beautiful it was. Then during the closing of our morning meeting as a prayer was being said, the wind started blowing just enough to move hair around in the breeze. As I was sitting there with my eyes closed with my hair moving, I just had this consuming feeling of how wonderful life is. After the prayer I headed up to this wooded area which I was assigned to watch for campers. One of my friends and I were just talking about silly stuff in the woods and then i laid down on the rocks we had been sitting on. I was just staring at the clear blue sky, the beautiful green trees, and just listening to the hymn that was being sung in the amphitheater behind me. I felt like this is how God planned for our lives to be. In moments like this, I believe we can experience God in some of the purest forms. I can't really say that I was specifically thinking of God, but I know He was there. I always feel this way when I'm around nature. Its beauty overwhelms me. The purity and simplicity of it all always speaks to me. I wonder if that is how Adam and Eve felt in the garden of Eden. I am just glad I got the opportunity to meet my creator this morning and just drink in His creations. And the exciting thing about God is how this can and will happen all the time.

-Kristy

H2O

So...
I was thinking about water. How it relates to humans, how it is used by humans, how it affects humans, and just water’s physical properties. I thinking about how water seems to have a profound impact upon us. I grew up just having this very natural desire--for lack of a better word– of being in water. Maybe its because my mother had me swimming at a very early age (well more like her holding me while I kicked and blew bubbles). But as long as I can remember, I’ve always spent the majority of my summer in the pool at all times. It seems very peaceful whenever I am engulfed in water.

I was in a very thoughtful and maybe overwhelming mood last night. For the last couple of days I’ve just felt bombarded with this constant flow of ideas. I can’t seem to stop or resolve any of these constant thoughts. I guess I’ve just been overwhelmed with my analytic thought process and not being able to reach any conclusion was further driving me into an even more analytic stage. So last night I was just sick of this feeling and was just emotional to the point of tears, so I decided to take a shower. My best friend growing up would always take showers when she needed to cry, so I thought I would give it a try and then I wouldn’t be around anybody while I was crying, so maybe I could just think and clear my head. As soon as I got into my shower and the water was running, I just sat down and had the water running over me. As strange as this sounds, I started feeling better already. I just sat there for awhile. Then suddenly I had this thought/flashback of my baptism in August of ‘95. As I was remembering that event, I was thinking about how water is the perfect medium for baptism. I was thinking about how water is used to clean our bodies. And following this cleansing, this sensation of cleanliness just engulfs us. This is just what we are promised when we decide to embrace Jesus and start following him. We are promise that our sins are washed as white as snow. Notice how the verb washed is used. It implies the use of water (or at least water with some solvent in it). So I was in my shower thinking about how this water running over me is helping me wash away some of these feelings. So after my introspective shower, I came out feeling better. Now I haven’t stopping thinking about these categories I’ve been wrestling with, but I feel that my head is a little clearer.

As I was walking to the cafeteria to write all of this, I noticed the large pool of water by our cabin. Its just this large pond that is in the middle of this large stream, so water is constantly flowing into and out of it. Due to the large amount of rain last night, the water level seemed to be at the highest point I’ve noticed this summer. As a result of this high water level, the natural tide of water creating a whirlpool became more visible. Due to the more narrow opening where the water leaves the pool, some water is stopped from leaving the pool and starts circling opposite the stream of the river. It flows very slowly backward and eventually joins the stronger current and then flows past the pool continuing on the river’s path. As I was watching this phenomenon (which the foam makes more pronounced) I was thinking about how often water is used as a metaphors for our lives, or just the process of living. I wonder if these metaphors are created due to the chemical properties of liquid water. Its very flexible and fluid just like our lives.

As I was watching this whirlpool I started thinking of my last academic year and the last couple of years in my life. I feel like I was just floating down the river trying to live my life in the way I felt God would desire me to live, and then I reached the end of that pool......and I wasn’t ready to go past it yet. I don’t feel like I’ve been continuing down the stream, but I was moving even though it was backwards; however I don’t think this process of going backward is a bad thing. I think its just been preparing me for the end of the pool and the waterfall that follows it. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last year. I’ve had to spend some quality time by myself (some willingly some not). I’ve also realized what I can become when I’m not focused on the correct things. I spent way to much time focused on my grades and my job which resulted in me forgetting the important things of learning, growing, making friends, laughing, and most importantly learning more about my Maker and His plans for me. I’m not sure what those are, but I feel like I’m back in the flow toward the end of the pool and getting ready for the waterfall. I have no idea how long this journey toward the falls might take, but I think that God has really start preparing me for what ever this might be. I also think I’m starting to maybe get a glimpse of why I’ve the last couple of years have gone the way they have and how they were getting me ready for what’s to come. I can’t say that everything I’ve done is what God desired me to do, yet I feel like a lot of what I did has helped me change for the best and also help me grasp a better sense of who I am. So here comes the current, I just hope it isn’t too late.
-Kristy

My first thought.....

Life is very interesting....and getting to know yourself is strange. Yes, isn't that a broad statement. This last semester at OU was very interesting to say the least. I got very caught up in my part time job, getting good grades, and I ended up making myself miserable. I spent a lot of time in my room, feeling exhausted, not studying enough, and just sort of depressed. I ended up not making great grades, found out that I didn't need to be paying for all the stuff I thought I needed to be, and didn't make any more friends. Needless to say, I was VERY, VERY excited for finals and for the semester to end. Then, I found out I would be working for Falls Creek.

I get to Falls Creek and find out it was exactly what I needed. This last academic year has definitely had its good and bad, but i think the bad parts were really hard. I was depressed for some of it, I worked a lot and had a hard time making friends, but worse of all (and I just recently realized this) I lost my communication with my LORD. I wouldn't say that I lost my relationship with God, because I still went to church and I certainly don't believe one can loose thier salvation; but i just sort of chilled on a spiritual plateau for most of the academic year. I think I learned some things intellectually, but I don't feel like I've really grown as a person or as a Christian.

So this summer, I've been finding the personal God I was missing. The odd thing about the whole thing is that I can't say I've been rebelling openly against my Christian faith or had major issues with my God. I guess I just daily unconsciously slid further and further away, kinda like an old friend in a different town that you just slowly quit talking to. I read some books over the last couple of years that really made me start thinking more about how I view God and what my understanding of being a Christian means. These books made Christianity seem more alive and free. I felt like my Christian life could be more than just following rules, doing good, and feeling guilty during church services. But as a result I think I ended up being a little bitter toward my childhood denomination due to this new kind of freedom I felt like I have and was not allowed in my old church (however I do realize that this was more self-imposed). I explored this freedom in intellectual ways during my first year at OU. I tried to not just look at issues and people from a quote unquote Christian way, but from an intellectual and inquisitive sort of way. I will say that I did grow in my knowledge of understand of people not from America, but I however didn't seem to grow personally.

I have to admit I was kind of hesitant about working at this Christian camp, fearing I would be too unique and free thinking. Thankfully I was pretty mistaken in that area. Just within the ropes course staff I work in there are large degrees of individuality in mannerisms, conversations, styles of leading, ways of worshiping, and ways of expression. I think while I have known this for a long time, God really looks at the heart and your intentions. I have had God with me all the time, yet I was not intentionally thinking and living for him. I can't say that I was acting like a bad person (as however you might define that), but I wasn't becoming a better Christian. So that has been my lesson this first month of camp.....can't wait to see what this month will bring!

-Kristy