Death!

Currently I am taking a philosophy class. I was really excited to start this class, partly due to my suspicion that I would love a topic whose sole topic is speculating about things that are unknown. I love to think about concepts and abstract things, so I thought this would be fun. The class was titled Philosophy and Literature with a description summery stating we would be reading literature and focusing on the philosophical nature of the stories. Thinking, Reading, and Discussion... some of my favorite activities! I arrive to the class and find all of the literature would be focusing on one theme: death.

At first I thought the rest of my Tuesday and Thursday afternoons would be depressing due to this subject being discussed for an hour and a half, but in many respects I've found it quite the contrary. The first book we read is The Death of Ivan Ilyich by Leo Tolestoy. While hating the main character at first, the story of Ivan grew on me and made me very conscience of my life, especially pertaining to the way it was being lived. In many ways after leaving this class, I seem to have a deeper passion for life and a fervor to be conscientiously insuring I am doing all that I deem necessary and good, because I could indeed die tomorrow.

During my first class session, my professor addressed some of the reasons for anxiety about death. One of my favorite things I have ever heard a person talk about was her discussion on the anxiety some experience over what could become of your body after you die. She was saying how this is a valid concern for many when thinking of death. She gave an example to illustrate a reason for the fear (which this was the best part). She said hypothetically she dies, her children decide to have her body preserved by a taxidermist, and then place her in the living room for display! (oh, I love the irony of a dead body in a LIVING room). Then years go by, my professor's children die and her preserved body is sold in a yard sale and she ends up in a frat house! I am laughing SO hard at this point with the visuals I have of a preserved body being in the corner of a frat house while crazy drunken frat boys are running all over the room. This is quite possibly one of the most disturbing yet hilarious thing I had ever heard. The horror of this situation is of course her helplessness of stopping it.

During this class I realized I am totally at ease with my mortality. This is probably due to this childhood fear I had of dying at the age of 16. This fear results from often being told often when I was young that I resembled my aunt Elaine that died when she was 16 in an accident. I guess it was just my childish logic, but I figured that since everyone told me I was so much like her I might meet an accidental death at the age of 16 as well. I never thought about this often; it was just something in the back of my head and apparently never told anyone about this until I mentioned it once in some conversation. Hope none of you think differently of my now...

As Christians we also talk about death, but it is much more in the context of the heaven afterlife we are promised. Once I started reexamining fundamental parts of Christianity according to different doctrines and common practice about 3 years ago, I've been stuck on the issue of heaven. I certainly do not agree with the "turn or burn" method of preaching I've seen occasionally. For one among other reasons, I don't think taking on the lifestyle of Jesus is based on staying out of hell, but bringing peace and as Brian McLaren says in The Secret Message of Jesus "a little piece of heaven to earth". I honestly don't know if I am certain there is a heaven after this life is over. I sometimes feel like people need this concept of heaven for a sense of comfort and a goal to work toward, like they need an ultimate reward for putting up with all of those trying people on earth and helping all of those sinners. I don't like the phrase of "earning my crowns in heaven" and others people mention while doing tasks they don't deem as pleasant or instantly rewarding. People are people, no matter their religious creed, race, or sex and deserve just treatment like everyone else. Sometimes I think that gets lost when just looking at the afterlife.

Just a couple more thoughts on death, then I'm wrapping this up (I promise). One interesting debate we had in the first days of class was how the belief in an afterlife can effect the way a person lives their life. If I don't believe there is anything after this life, I might be much more prone to do WHATEVER I deem fun, worthwhile, and needed. This freedom results in some ways from not worrying about punishment/justification aspect in the afterlife. On the other hand, a person that staunchly believes in an afterlife might have no problem dying prematurely (which another interesting concept I don't go into now) in an act of martyrdom. And of course the more normal example is the exact opposite of the first, a person denying themselves morally ambiguous activities (which could range from drinking alcohol, eating pork, having sex before marriage, smoking) to ensure their good standing in the afterlife.

I guess the great thing about this class is how deeply it makes a person look at the direction of their life and make sure it is one which they may not horribly regret. May we stop today and take a moment to be a little introspective, examining our lives to make sure we are living them to the fullest. May we never end like Ivan Ilyich in the conclusion of the book by realizing on our death bed we chased after the wrong things and missed out on what life really is about.

-Kristy

Hate

Hate takes a lot of energy. Maybe that's why we are told not to hate. I have always hated a certain holiday. I feel compelled to explain myself every time someone asks me why. Explaining that you don't like a day supposedly about love due to the commercialization and unimaginative ways its celebrated takes quite a while to convince them there is no bitterness rooted in that hate. In some ways I wonder if I'm being like the little kid that makes it a little too obvious that he "hates" the girl he in actuality likes quite a bit.

I am a hopeless romantic and have been for quite awhile, but I've developed a hard shell to possibly stop all of the hurt I've acquired being overly romantic. Today I decided I'm going to get rid of that hardened cynical shell and just have fun. Life is about experiences and sometimes those are getting hurt. And sometimes that hurt comes from letting someone close, but keeping people at a distance isn't the way to live. Just something I decided this morning. No more energy devoted toward a cultural phenomenon I can't stop. Just going to do what I deem appropriate. That's about it. May we all have the courage to do something we have avoided to keep us from hurt.

-Kristy

Poem

So, irony has always been my favorite form of literature. I'm sure lots of you may find it ironic that this zoology major has attempted to be poetic, so please don't be too harsh. I like it. Maybe you will too.


Colors
Anticipation, excitement
Like a bright bubbling pink
reminiscent of young girls
giggling loudly at their inside
joke being played on adults

Patience, waiting
feeling as dark as night
taught these are virtues
something to be conditioned
much like a monk content without food

Which emotion to indulge?
Which action to take?
Risk all prudence to go full speed
and potentially find lacking
Or endure the happy thoughts
and lay around for events to be put into motion

The answer must lie in between
Not in the pink or night black
Maybe in the green or yellow or even blue.
The unknown is frustrating.
The unknown is exhilarating.
The unknown is life.

Life is certainly full of colors!
Our lives must be dependent on how we use the colors.
Once dead, the remainder of our lives resembling a magnificent quilt
and hopefully not too many holes are present.


-Kristy

love......?!?

Voltaire has a quote saying "It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue."

I have to admit when I found that quote I laughed rather hard. I think that would be a great phrase for a Valentine Card. I'll have to make one and patent it! The word relationship and all of the surrounding connotations has been on my mind lately. I decided to kind of throw myself back into the dating realm lately and have found that things are much more complex then when I was dating in high school. It is amazing to me how many different reasons people seem have when desiring a dating relationship with a person of the opposite sex (or even the same sex for some I know).

When in high school, it was pretty simple because dating mainly entailed of hanging out with your friends, going to dances together, talking on the phone, and spending some time alone when your parents allowed it or when you were able to sneak away for a couple of hours. But now, the idea of dating isn't that easy. The average college student is stressed and looking to the future, so starting a relationship can be for all sorts of reasons, ranging from the physical-stress-reliever kind to the I-want-to-find-some-one-to-marry kind. And I guess one thing I've realized is that the guy doesn't seem to just come up to you and say, "Hey, I just want to talk to you for awhile to confuse you as to what my intentions are, act like I'm really interested, make you realize how sweet I can be, and then I stop answering your calls, acting like I never knew you. Sound good?" I think I would appreciate the frankness much more than the person doing just that. And I hope I don't sound bitter! I'm just a little frustrated.

Should a girl just continue to wait for her Mr. Darcy to knock on her door or does she really have to put up with the Mr. Wickhams, Mr. Willoughbys and other scoundrels before she can find and fully appreciate the one for her.

I spent a week this summer during which most of the nights were spent in conversations with many college girls contemplating all of the issues involving marriage. Our boss had posed the thought to us that God may have planned for us not to have husbands, which truly broke our hopeless romantic hearts. I do feel like girls are all brought up thinking it is only a matter in time before our shining knight on a horse rescues us like in the old Arthurian tales. I always thought it was so interesting how Paul was very adamant in the Bible mentioning that it is better for people to stay unmarried. These statements very abrasive to the Disney movie damsel in distress plots.

How in the world does a person go about deciding for themselves what kind of actions to take on these types of issues? For the last two years, I didn't think about it much. I just pushed it all toward the back of my head and concentrated on clarifying my wishes for the future, my values, and establishing myself as an adult.

As of late, I've been thinking about it more and resulted in reading a lot from Song of Songs, a book called Sex God (which the title makes it sound much dirtier than its innocent contents), observing other people in their relationships, and most of all contemplating the purpose and value of it all. I guess much like my stance on alcohol from my last blog, the jury still seems to be out. I certainly see nearly all of the advantages and negatives, but most of all wonder if I am selling myself short. I have never wanted to be perceived as a girl that is codependent, so I have taken many actions to show that I am independent and strong. I just wonder if I am avoiding the issue due to its complex nature. I know I'll keep struggling with this one for awhile. I guess I just wanted to admit to my blog what I've been really preoccupied with during the last month. I'm not sure I'm really asking for comments on this one....but feel free if you wanna. I'll just leave with this thought. May we all continue to work on the situations that are complex and not just take the easy position of ignoring them. I know I'm trying to fight this one. Love you all.
-Kristy

A moral dilemma of a smaller kind

So, I don't mean to be writing this to give myself a pat on the back or anything, but I faced a moral dilemma of sorts yesterday. As I mentioned in my last post, I'm living in the grey areas of life and am still grasping as to what concepts or events are absolute with concerns of morality for everyone and what issues are best left to the individual to choose. There are many issues I've been thinking about in this context and have not constructed many decisive arguments to push the issues one way or another for myself. One such issue I've dealt with for a long time is alcohol.

For some reason when I was younger, I decided I absolutely wanted to wait to have my first taste of alcohol on my 21st birthday and it would be a strawberry daiquiri. I certainly did have friends that drank in high school and I went to my fair share of lame parties when alcohol was present, but I had made up my mind and was not going back on it. And in truth, I wasn't even sure if I really did want to drink.

I never understood the reason for a need to drink. For one thing, it was not legal to be drinking at our age and I didn't have any desire to loose my inhibition. My serious bf of my high school years was a regular drinker. While we dated, I asked that he not drink and to my knowledge he only did once and he asked about it beforehand. I always tried to get him to explain to me why he drank or why people in general drank. My bf said he drank to have fun and that's why most people did. He also said others might drink because they needed an escape. I remember thinking those were lame excuses for just not being able to be self-controlled or ignoring issues or emotions.

At NWOSU I certainly saw my share of drunk people, sadly watched their inebriated actions, then would pile them into my car and drive them safely back to the dorms. Once again, I was determined to wait until I was 21 and after seeing what some of my peers did while drinking I was very unsure if I would even have my strawberry daiquiri. So my 21st birthday was this summer (by the way, this blog probably isn't going where you think it is...) and I didn't get my strawberry daiquiri. This summer I was working at a Christian camp and I knew they would not appreciate any alcohol consumption, so I knew I wouldn't be drinking not just because of my job but I still didn't know if I wanted to.

Since my birthday, I have gone to some of my old high school friend's 21st b-day parties and have had a couple of drinks and then every once in awhile have a drink with my friends on the weekend. I think I have probably drank a whopping 6 times in my life now. I'm a very big control freak, so I certainly have never drank enough to lose my inhibitions or act in a way I couldn't be proud of. So I still can't say I know what all of the excitement for drinking is about and am not sure that I will be drinking much longer. But this I know, I am not ashamed of my drinking or anything I have done while drinking.

This is where my smaller moral dilemma came into play. As I was filling out an application for the same summer camp I worked at last year, I came across a yes or no question asking if I have "consumed alcohol in the last 12 months". My answer is undeniably yes, BUT i am almost 100% sure that alcohol is viewed from the hiring department's perspective as a negative thing, so I contemplated answering no. I don't think I could describe how much this summer had to have been what God planned for me. It was exactly what I needed and continues to have an impact; so when I was thinking how I may not be able to work there due to my drinking, I panicked and definitely wanted to lie. I was thinking about all of this and asked my friend that just walked in the door at the time what she thought.

When I woke up while I was still laying in my bed, the answer came to me. At this point in my life, I think it is fine if a person of legal age decides to drink alcohol socially (by socially meaning with friends and not to excess) and does NOT try to drive. And if I use Jesus as my example, he certainly has turned water into wine but he didn't condone lying. There's that whole "let your yes be yes and your no be no" verse which can not be denied (Matthew 5:37). So while this may cost me a job and summer I would like to experience, I've decided without a doubt to answer yes on this. Like I said, this isn't a huge decision on my part, but something that made me stop and think. I fully expect if I get an interview I will be asked about this and I have no fear of answering for my actions. In fact despite all I've mentioned about my social drinking, I have technically consumed alcohol during communion at church in the last year, so just that alone would contribute to answering yes.

I don't know if anyone reading this will be too amazed by anything I wrote today, but it was just something I thought I would get off my head and see if anyone had a comment. I am going to challenge anyone that reads this along with myself with this statement. May we all find areas where we could be acting in a hypocritical manner and take steps to correct it, whether it be big or small.

-Kristy

a little STYX's philosopohy

As I was driving my 189 mile distance from my childhood home to my dorm room, I was growing bored and then sleepy so I carefully pulled a random cd out of my case. I placed the cd into my player to discover it was my copy of my father's Styx greatest hits cd. I grew up listening to this cd along with madonna, montley cru, zz top, and a little patsy cline to change things up. I was loudly proving to my car I still knew every word, but then I hit a slower song and I stopped. I started thinking about what they actually singing about. (Most of the rock I listen has a very blunt and shallow message, but I like the instrumentation and style so I've never cared too much.)
Anyway... I was realizing how deep some of the lyrics were and thought provoking. I was especially mesmerized by the lyrics of "Show me the way". I've always thought this song was pretty and liked the lyrics, but this time while listening, I truly felt the emotions of the song. Here's the first verse and chorus.

" Every night I say a prayer in the hope that theres a heaven
And every day I'm more confused as the saints turn into sinners
All the heroes and legends I knew as a child have fallen to idols of clay
And I feel this empty place inside so afraid that Ive lost my faith

Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the river
And wash my illusions away
Show me the way"

I think this song in many ways is about growing up, facing facts, and transitioning from the black and white issues of childhood and diving into the grey and unknown parts of life and the human condition. The common thought is of college being the transitional period in life, but I wonder of the truth in that. Sure we are gaining new roles of social and personal obligations, but after college are we really done changing? I should think not. During my 5 semesters thus far, I have certainly faced challenges and issues that have matured me. I have also been vexing and contemplating over defining my personal values and morals during this time.

At the end of the day, wouldn't it be easier as the song asks for to just be "shown the way" and have "illusions washed away". It would save many an emotional day and lessen confusion, but isn't that the greatness of life--making mistakes, learning, living, and going on. I once read a book about dating that my mother insisted I read after I had completed reading the whole "I dated kissed dating goodbye" fadish book, and while I don't remember much of the book or even the title, one point I apply universally has stayed with me and I have found to be a rather good life lesson. The synopsis is even though that situation or long event hurt emotionally doesn't mean it was bad. It was saying that the result of sadness, doesn't prove the forerunning event was necessarily bad. Obviously, this should not be applied to all situations, but it makes me think about sadness and hurting in a different light.
Maybe I am a little strange by having a STYX song start a philosophical adventure, but I think it was a good reminder. I have been getting frustrated with all of the unknowns surrounding my life, feeling like once I have things lined out life will be good. May we all remember to not fall into the temptation of sitting back and waiting for things to be perfect; we will end up missing out on life and the beautiful chaos loosing knitting our lives together.

-Kristy

Pride & Prejudice

I watched 5 hours of this BBC production of Pride and Prejudice yesterday afternoon. I've heard this book being suggested to many men as a glimpse into a woman's soul. I have to admit that since the latest movie with Keira Knightley I have not hear any girl confessing a dislike for this movie. While I prefer the book, I do love the screenplays that have been based on this novel in many ways.

I have figured out what I really like about this book and maybe why it is so popular with girls. Mr Darcy (the main character) falls in love with Lizzy due to her wit and intelligence. I think deep down all girls do want to be loved but they especially desire the love that is not shallowly attracted by the bodies or some other circumstances (more aptly called lust). We want to be loved because we are special. I want to be noticed not because of my physical appearance, but my intellectual depth. I want someone to talk to, not a guy to stare at me. I guess I want a lot of things and maybe some of them aren't realistic. I once made a list of the characteristics of what I wanted in my future husband and its kind of funny to see what I thought I wanted at the time. Maybe I will find my Mr. Darcy one day, but until then I'm trying to keep telling myself that people really aren't that perfect. Its only a movie. It will be the little faults or quirks of the man that will make him adorable; just like I hope my midnight furniture arranging will be thought of as cute.

-Kristy