love......?!?

Voltaire has a quote saying "It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue."

I have to admit when I found that quote I laughed rather hard. I think that would be a great phrase for a Valentine Card. I'll have to make one and patent it! The word relationship and all of the surrounding connotations has been on my mind lately. I decided to kind of throw myself back into the dating realm lately and have found that things are much more complex then when I was dating in high school. It is amazing to me how many different reasons people seem have when desiring a dating relationship with a person of the opposite sex (or even the same sex for some I know).

When in high school, it was pretty simple because dating mainly entailed of hanging out with your friends, going to dances together, talking on the phone, and spending some time alone when your parents allowed it or when you were able to sneak away for a couple of hours. But now, the idea of dating isn't that easy. The average college student is stressed and looking to the future, so starting a relationship can be for all sorts of reasons, ranging from the physical-stress-reliever kind to the I-want-to-find-some-one-to-marry kind. And I guess one thing I've realized is that the guy doesn't seem to just come up to you and say, "Hey, I just want to talk to you for awhile to confuse you as to what my intentions are, act like I'm really interested, make you realize how sweet I can be, and then I stop answering your calls, acting like I never knew you. Sound good?" I think I would appreciate the frankness much more than the person doing just that. And I hope I don't sound bitter! I'm just a little frustrated.

Should a girl just continue to wait for her Mr. Darcy to knock on her door or does she really have to put up with the Mr. Wickhams, Mr. Willoughbys and other scoundrels before she can find and fully appreciate the one for her.

I spent a week this summer during which most of the nights were spent in conversations with many college girls contemplating all of the issues involving marriage. Our boss had posed the thought to us that God may have planned for us not to have husbands, which truly broke our hopeless romantic hearts. I do feel like girls are all brought up thinking it is only a matter in time before our shining knight on a horse rescues us like in the old Arthurian tales. I always thought it was so interesting how Paul was very adamant in the Bible mentioning that it is better for people to stay unmarried. These statements very abrasive to the Disney movie damsel in distress plots.

How in the world does a person go about deciding for themselves what kind of actions to take on these types of issues? For the last two years, I didn't think about it much. I just pushed it all toward the back of my head and concentrated on clarifying my wishes for the future, my values, and establishing myself as an adult.

As of late, I've been thinking about it more and resulted in reading a lot from Song of Songs, a book called Sex God (which the title makes it sound much dirtier than its innocent contents), observing other people in their relationships, and most of all contemplating the purpose and value of it all. I guess much like my stance on alcohol from my last blog, the jury still seems to be out. I certainly see nearly all of the advantages and negatives, but most of all wonder if I am selling myself short. I have never wanted to be perceived as a girl that is codependent, so I have taken many actions to show that I am independent and strong. I just wonder if I am avoiding the issue due to its complex nature. I know I'll keep struggling with this one for awhile. I guess I just wanted to admit to my blog what I've been really preoccupied with during the last month. I'm not sure I'm really asking for comments on this one....but feel free if you wanna. I'll just leave with this thought. May we all continue to work on the situations that are complex and not just take the easy position of ignoring them. I know I'm trying to fight this one. Love you all.
-Kristy

A moral dilemma of a smaller kind

So, I don't mean to be writing this to give myself a pat on the back or anything, but I faced a moral dilemma of sorts yesterday. As I mentioned in my last post, I'm living in the grey areas of life and am still grasping as to what concepts or events are absolute with concerns of morality for everyone and what issues are best left to the individual to choose. There are many issues I've been thinking about in this context and have not constructed many decisive arguments to push the issues one way or another for myself. One such issue I've dealt with for a long time is alcohol.

For some reason when I was younger, I decided I absolutely wanted to wait to have my first taste of alcohol on my 21st birthday and it would be a strawberry daiquiri. I certainly did have friends that drank in high school and I went to my fair share of lame parties when alcohol was present, but I had made up my mind and was not going back on it. And in truth, I wasn't even sure if I really did want to drink.

I never understood the reason for a need to drink. For one thing, it was not legal to be drinking at our age and I didn't have any desire to loose my inhibition. My serious bf of my high school years was a regular drinker. While we dated, I asked that he not drink and to my knowledge he only did once and he asked about it beforehand. I always tried to get him to explain to me why he drank or why people in general drank. My bf said he drank to have fun and that's why most people did. He also said others might drink because they needed an escape. I remember thinking those were lame excuses for just not being able to be self-controlled or ignoring issues or emotions.

At NWOSU I certainly saw my share of drunk people, sadly watched their inebriated actions, then would pile them into my car and drive them safely back to the dorms. Once again, I was determined to wait until I was 21 and after seeing what some of my peers did while drinking I was very unsure if I would even have my strawberry daiquiri. So my 21st birthday was this summer (by the way, this blog probably isn't going where you think it is...) and I didn't get my strawberry daiquiri. This summer I was working at a Christian camp and I knew they would not appreciate any alcohol consumption, so I knew I wouldn't be drinking not just because of my job but I still didn't know if I wanted to.

Since my birthday, I have gone to some of my old high school friend's 21st b-day parties and have had a couple of drinks and then every once in awhile have a drink with my friends on the weekend. I think I have probably drank a whopping 6 times in my life now. I'm a very big control freak, so I certainly have never drank enough to lose my inhibitions or act in a way I couldn't be proud of. So I still can't say I know what all of the excitement for drinking is about and am not sure that I will be drinking much longer. But this I know, I am not ashamed of my drinking or anything I have done while drinking.

This is where my smaller moral dilemma came into play. As I was filling out an application for the same summer camp I worked at last year, I came across a yes or no question asking if I have "consumed alcohol in the last 12 months". My answer is undeniably yes, BUT i am almost 100% sure that alcohol is viewed from the hiring department's perspective as a negative thing, so I contemplated answering no. I don't think I could describe how much this summer had to have been what God planned for me. It was exactly what I needed and continues to have an impact; so when I was thinking how I may not be able to work there due to my drinking, I panicked and definitely wanted to lie. I was thinking about all of this and asked my friend that just walked in the door at the time what she thought.

When I woke up while I was still laying in my bed, the answer came to me. At this point in my life, I think it is fine if a person of legal age decides to drink alcohol socially (by socially meaning with friends and not to excess) and does NOT try to drive. And if I use Jesus as my example, he certainly has turned water into wine but he didn't condone lying. There's that whole "let your yes be yes and your no be no" verse which can not be denied (Matthew 5:37). So while this may cost me a job and summer I would like to experience, I've decided without a doubt to answer yes on this. Like I said, this isn't a huge decision on my part, but something that made me stop and think. I fully expect if I get an interview I will be asked about this and I have no fear of answering for my actions. In fact despite all I've mentioned about my social drinking, I have technically consumed alcohol during communion at church in the last year, so just that alone would contribute to answering yes.

I don't know if anyone reading this will be too amazed by anything I wrote today, but it was just something I thought I would get off my head and see if anyone had a comment. I am going to challenge anyone that reads this along with myself with this statement. May we all find areas where we could be acting in a hypocritical manner and take steps to correct it, whether it be big or small.

-Kristy

a little STYX's philosopohy

As I was driving my 189 mile distance from my childhood home to my dorm room, I was growing bored and then sleepy so I carefully pulled a random cd out of my case. I placed the cd into my player to discover it was my copy of my father's Styx greatest hits cd. I grew up listening to this cd along with madonna, montley cru, zz top, and a little patsy cline to change things up. I was loudly proving to my car I still knew every word, but then I hit a slower song and I stopped. I started thinking about what they actually singing about. (Most of the rock I listen has a very blunt and shallow message, but I like the instrumentation and style so I've never cared too much.)
Anyway... I was realizing how deep some of the lyrics were and thought provoking. I was especially mesmerized by the lyrics of "Show me the way". I've always thought this song was pretty and liked the lyrics, but this time while listening, I truly felt the emotions of the song. Here's the first verse and chorus.

" Every night I say a prayer in the hope that theres a heaven
And every day I'm more confused as the saints turn into sinners
All the heroes and legends I knew as a child have fallen to idols of clay
And I feel this empty place inside so afraid that Ive lost my faith

Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the river
And wash my illusions away
Show me the way"

I think this song in many ways is about growing up, facing facts, and transitioning from the black and white issues of childhood and diving into the grey and unknown parts of life and the human condition. The common thought is of college being the transitional period in life, but I wonder of the truth in that. Sure we are gaining new roles of social and personal obligations, but after college are we really done changing? I should think not. During my 5 semesters thus far, I have certainly faced challenges and issues that have matured me. I have also been vexing and contemplating over defining my personal values and morals during this time.

At the end of the day, wouldn't it be easier as the song asks for to just be "shown the way" and have "illusions washed away". It would save many an emotional day and lessen confusion, but isn't that the greatness of life--making mistakes, learning, living, and going on. I once read a book about dating that my mother insisted I read after I had completed reading the whole "I dated kissed dating goodbye" fadish book, and while I don't remember much of the book or even the title, one point I apply universally has stayed with me and I have found to be a rather good life lesson. The synopsis is even though that situation or long event hurt emotionally doesn't mean it was bad. It was saying that the result of sadness, doesn't prove the forerunning event was necessarily bad. Obviously, this should not be applied to all situations, but it makes me think about sadness and hurting in a different light.
Maybe I am a little strange by having a STYX song start a philosophical adventure, but I think it was a good reminder. I have been getting frustrated with all of the unknowns surrounding my life, feeling like once I have things lined out life will be good. May we all remember to not fall into the temptation of sitting back and waiting for things to be perfect; we will end up missing out on life and the beautiful chaos loosing knitting our lives together.

-Kristy

Pride & Prejudice

I watched 5 hours of this BBC production of Pride and Prejudice yesterday afternoon. I've heard this book being suggested to many men as a glimpse into a woman's soul. I have to admit that since the latest movie with Keira Knightley I have not hear any girl confessing a dislike for this movie. While I prefer the book, I do love the screenplays that have been based on this novel in many ways.

I have figured out what I really like about this book and maybe why it is so popular with girls. Mr Darcy (the main character) falls in love with Lizzy due to her wit and intelligence. I think deep down all girls do want to be loved but they especially desire the love that is not shallowly attracted by the bodies or some other circumstances (more aptly called lust). We want to be loved because we are special. I want to be noticed not because of my physical appearance, but my intellectual depth. I want someone to talk to, not a guy to stare at me. I guess I want a lot of things and maybe some of them aren't realistic. I once made a list of the characteristics of what I wanted in my future husband and its kind of funny to see what I thought I wanted at the time. Maybe I will find my Mr. Darcy one day, but until then I'm trying to keep telling myself that people really aren't that perfect. Its only a movie. It will be the little faults or quirks of the man that will make him adorable; just like I hope my midnight furniture arranging will be thought of as cute.

-Kristy

Time

I guess I have not felt to inspired lately; which is probably due to the fact of finals being next week. Nothing that though provoking has occurred lately. My middle brother's birthday was yesterday and I still don't know if I have grasped that thought yet. He is now a big 10 year old. That means I was only a year older then he is now, when he first entered our family. I've always heard various adults in my life reminisce of their childhoods and seemingly every time conclude the well known sentiment of time flying by so quickly. I have to admit that is truly how I felt thinking how my brother has now lived for a decade. Gosh, I'm going to sound old......but I really can remember the day he was born very vividly. I remember feeding him a bottle in the hospital nursery, not being able to go to my first dance that night so I could see him, coming home with my oldest brother being sick on the couch (not quite understanding what is going on). I remember thinking how I was so old when he was born, I mean come on, I was a big mature 11 year old girl. It is rather wild to think of all that has happened in my life and the world since my brother came. Many people still think I'm quite young at my mature officially adult 21 years of age, but when compared to my grandparents and my great grandma, god willing, I've still got quite a ways to go.

While this probably isn't of my best observation of the society or the most introspective post I've ever written, I just still am amazed by how vividly I remember my childhood (thought later in life I'll probably still argue this moment it time as being rather childish...) and seemingly how little ago it seemed. I think its good to look back every once in awhile and see where you are coming from and what events have shaped you as a person. But I am saddened by the people who just talk about the "good ol days" and live in their past, no matter how good it was. I am challenging myself today to try to always remember the lessons I learned, cherish the impact of people from my past, and press on to create new and wonderful memories. Well that's about all I have time for today.....
-Kristy

Tough

I like to think that I'm tough. I can take whatever life throws at me and make it work. Maybe this is because I am the oldest of three younger brothers, so I usually had to fend for myself. Being tough is hard work. There is physical toughness which requires a lot of training time at the gym. There is mental toughness which requires the ability to push yourself through emotion and/or physical hurdles. There is also emotional toughness. While i'm not into being physically tough and think i fare rather well in mental toughness, I'm not sure i'm very tough when it comes to emotions. And sure i'm a girl and that seems to be enough of an excuse for some people, but I don't want to be weak. I think that is why I love Christina from Grey's Anatomy so much. I have to admit I did use being a female when I use to play co-ed soccer. The guys never thought I was a threat until they came close and I slide tackled them! (I guess much like poor Tyler Smith this summer when we were playing football....)

Ever since I started college, I've been trying to be this strong, independent, intellectual, driven woman. Its a hard thing to do. This desire probably developed from seeing these women in college all dolled up all of the time, seemingly just looking for a husband with a bright future. I've always had dreams and desires for some type of graduate degree and never wanted to feel like I left it all to become a cleaning and organizing robot of a household. I use to tell my mom growing up, I wanted to marry a pansy husband to cook and clean while I'll be the one watching monday night football. I think I've realized trying to be this tough individual person has made me become overwhelmed and struggling to admit I can't do eveything.

In high school, I really could do everything. I managed to have 2 serious boyfriends, receive three superior rating on vocal solos at the state level, debated and did extemporaneous speaking for two years winning many awards, participated in show choir, played the flute and bassoon in band and also lead the drum line my senior year, took almost very advanced class available, became the first female poll vaulter from Alva, and other things. I did lots. And then I went to college. I think I am still learning that despite my talents, I do have limits and I need to not push myself too hard. I am competitive and tough, but I think my problem is that I'm too tough on myself. In the end, I'm afraid I am much like the crashed hummer. I look all tough (well probably more act like I'm tough) but when it comes to crunch time, I'm really quite a softy. Trying to work on balancing this more, but hopefully never reach the point I look like a push over. I think I would feel like I lost it all if people started thinking I'm a softy. Then what's to say my loving little brothers would not gang up on me and stage a coup? Before I know it, my brothers might start called me "little sis" and stealing my stuff...
-Kristy

I guess I'm somewhat of a typical college student...

All I have to say is, fire drills before noon in the cold are NOT cool.
-Kristy