Pride & Prejudice

I watched 5 hours of this BBC production of Pride and Prejudice yesterday afternoon. I've heard this book being suggested to many men as a glimpse into a woman's soul. I have to admit that since the latest movie with Keira Knightley I have not hear any girl confessing a dislike for this movie. While I prefer the book, I do love the screenplays that have been based on this novel in many ways.

I have figured out what I really like about this book and maybe why it is so popular with girls. Mr Darcy (the main character) falls in love with Lizzy due to her wit and intelligence. I think deep down all girls do want to be loved but they especially desire the love that is not shallowly attracted by the bodies or some other circumstances (more aptly called lust). We want to be loved because we are special. I want to be noticed not because of my physical appearance, but my intellectual depth. I want someone to talk to, not a guy to stare at me. I guess I want a lot of things and maybe some of them aren't realistic. I once made a list of the characteristics of what I wanted in my future husband and its kind of funny to see what I thought I wanted at the time. Maybe I will find my Mr. Darcy one day, but until then I'm trying to keep telling myself that people really aren't that perfect. Its only a movie. It will be the little faults or quirks of the man that will make him adorable; just like I hope my midnight furniture arranging will be thought of as cute.

-Kristy

Time

I guess I have not felt to inspired lately; which is probably due to the fact of finals being next week. Nothing that though provoking has occurred lately. My middle brother's birthday was yesterday and I still don't know if I have grasped that thought yet. He is now a big 10 year old. That means I was only a year older then he is now, when he first entered our family. I've always heard various adults in my life reminisce of their childhoods and seemingly every time conclude the well known sentiment of time flying by so quickly. I have to admit that is truly how I felt thinking how my brother has now lived for a decade. Gosh, I'm going to sound old......but I really can remember the day he was born very vividly. I remember feeding him a bottle in the hospital nursery, not being able to go to my first dance that night so I could see him, coming home with my oldest brother being sick on the couch (not quite understanding what is going on). I remember thinking how I was so old when he was born, I mean come on, I was a big mature 11 year old girl. It is rather wild to think of all that has happened in my life and the world since my brother came. Many people still think I'm quite young at my mature officially adult 21 years of age, but when compared to my grandparents and my great grandma, god willing, I've still got quite a ways to go.

While this probably isn't of my best observation of the society or the most introspective post I've ever written, I just still am amazed by how vividly I remember my childhood (thought later in life I'll probably still argue this moment it time as being rather childish...) and seemingly how little ago it seemed. I think its good to look back every once in awhile and see where you are coming from and what events have shaped you as a person. But I am saddened by the people who just talk about the "good ol days" and live in their past, no matter how good it was. I am challenging myself today to try to always remember the lessons I learned, cherish the impact of people from my past, and press on to create new and wonderful memories. Well that's about all I have time for today.....
-Kristy

Tough

I like to think that I'm tough. I can take whatever life throws at me and make it work. Maybe this is because I am the oldest of three younger brothers, so I usually had to fend for myself. Being tough is hard work. There is physical toughness which requires a lot of training time at the gym. There is mental toughness which requires the ability to push yourself through emotion and/or physical hurdles. There is also emotional toughness. While i'm not into being physically tough and think i fare rather well in mental toughness, I'm not sure i'm very tough when it comes to emotions. And sure i'm a girl and that seems to be enough of an excuse for some people, but I don't want to be weak. I think that is why I love Christina from Grey's Anatomy so much. I have to admit I did use being a female when I use to play co-ed soccer. The guys never thought I was a threat until they came close and I slide tackled them! (I guess much like poor Tyler Smith this summer when we were playing football....)

Ever since I started college, I've been trying to be this strong, independent, intellectual, driven woman. Its a hard thing to do. This desire probably developed from seeing these women in college all dolled up all of the time, seemingly just looking for a husband with a bright future. I've always had dreams and desires for some type of graduate degree and never wanted to feel like I left it all to become a cleaning and organizing robot of a household. I use to tell my mom growing up, I wanted to marry a pansy husband to cook and clean while I'll be the one watching monday night football. I think I've realized trying to be this tough individual person has made me become overwhelmed and struggling to admit I can't do eveything.

In high school, I really could do everything. I managed to have 2 serious boyfriends, receive three superior rating on vocal solos at the state level, debated and did extemporaneous speaking for two years winning many awards, participated in show choir, played the flute and bassoon in band and also lead the drum line my senior year, took almost very advanced class available, became the first female poll vaulter from Alva, and other things. I did lots. And then I went to college. I think I am still learning that despite my talents, I do have limits and I need to not push myself too hard. I am competitive and tough, but I think my problem is that I'm too tough on myself. In the end, I'm afraid I am much like the crashed hummer. I look all tough (well probably more act like I'm tough) but when it comes to crunch time, I'm really quite a softy. Trying to work on balancing this more, but hopefully never reach the point I look like a push over. I think I would feel like I lost it all if people started thinking I'm a softy. Then what's to say my loving little brothers would not gang up on me and stage a coup? Before I know it, my brothers might start called me "little sis" and stealing my stuff...
-Kristy

I guess I'm somewhat of a typical college student...

All I have to say is, fire drills before noon in the cold are NOT cool.
-Kristy

My paintings.....

I thought I would show you my work just for fun.

This is my first painting!! Its is rather abstract but has lots of symbolism in it on a personal level. The people that have been in my room have really like it; I've been rather shocked by its approval. (the bottom shot is a close up of the top left corner)

This is the second one I did. Most people seem confused by it. I don't think many people would guess this was done by the same person that did the one above.


Just thought you might wanna see it!
-Kristy

painting...

Friday I was in my room by 11:30 with my classes already being done for the day and couldn't decided what to do. I knew I had all sorts of time and nothing particular that I needed to do. I started a musical on my tv and started picking up our dorm room. We had signed up for "Sooner Saturday" so we would be having groups of high schoolers come through for two hours and stare at our place while asking us random questions about OU. I hid my dirty clothes (I've been putting off cleaning for about 3 weeks now..) and was just reorganizing by books and stuff. I finished Phantom of the Opera and still had more to do, so then I started Moulin Rouge. I was still working on our room when my roommate entered the room and took a nap. That movie then finished and I felt like watching another one, so I decided on Bridget Jone's Diary. While this movie isn't the most wholesome, I absolutely love it and usually end up wishing I were British after I watch it (I'm not really sure as to why). It was getting late by now and I realized that I needed to drive to my friend's house across town and feed his fish since he was out of town. So I got to his house, fed his fish, and was just sitting on his couch. While I was doing all that I mentioned before, I had been thinking about how empty life can seem. As I was sitting on the couch, I was thinking about how life sometimes seems so mundane and scheduled. I'll make a chart for you

I don't know if you can read that too well. But I feel like we are brought up in school (especially college) to think of our future only being what job we will have and when we will get married with kids. And of course if you are a religious person, your center of worship will tell you what more you are living for. So I had all of these thoughts (basically questioning the purpose of life, I guess) and started looking at the painting he has made to decorate his room. I decided I should go to Walmart and get some canvas. I was going to paint what I was feeling. It was going to be abstract of course due to my very poor and underdeveloped drawing skills, but it would also allow me to represent symbolically how I felt and maybe I could make more sense of my emotions.

After gathering my supplies and changing into some paint clothes, I blasted my random music from my computer and painted. I was in a whirl of excitement and was feeling very creative. After digging around in my friends trash for various items, breaking pieces of an old mirror, painting with my fingers and some brushes, I finished my masterpiece 3 hours later. While I was painting, I decided what it would be titled and even put it on the painting itself. Its called "disiLLuSioNED". I've decided that's exactly what I have been dealing with for awhile now. But I don't think it is a negative thing, but sometimes very trying and exhausted. I will sometime post a picture of this painting, but for right now I just have the courage to write about it.

-Kristy

Be Cool....

Sometimes I feel like believing in God isn't cool. I grew up always wanting to be an individual. I never wanted to be like anyone else and never would do anything just because it was expected of everyone or its the norm for most people. I think this is why sometimes I have doubts about God. I've never felt like these doubts were a bad thing. In fact in someways, when I look back at those times in my life when I didn't think about God I feel like I learned so much about myself and about the world and ended up gaining a deeper and new look at God.

So given my desire to be different you might have expected me to have a rebellious past full of drinking, drugs, sex, and all that jazz. I actually grew up always wanting to please my parents and tried to live my life the way my preacher and youth leader told me to live. I use to read my Bible pretty regularly and pray all of the time. The preacher's daughter and I became good friends and tried to spend a lot of high school being the examples of a good Christian by having "good, clean fun", going to all of the Christian events, attending church every time the door was open, and praying for all of our high school. I even would fast sometime. This is what I was told would make me a good Christian and that's what I wanted to be. I somehow molded my childhood desires of wanting to be different into this persona of trying to be the perfect Christian girl that as a result would be different because she was the real deal.

I lived this way for most of my middle school and high school years (with one exception that involved a certain boyfriend). Toward the end of high school in my senior year, I found this book I just loved. It was called a generous orthodoxy. I think I enjoyed this book so much because I seemed to tell me that maybe the ways I was told I had to live to be a good Christian wasn't right. Maybe there was more to just following laws, singing praise songs, and reading the Bible. It was an interesting thought that has put me on a journey. The last 3 years in college I have struggled joining or meeting follow Christians that I thought were cool. My first year I found the people at the BSU to be rather boring and seemingly very judgmental toward the people they seemed did not seem to be that "good Christian" i was trying to be earlier in my life. Last year I didn't even go to quote unquote Christian groups, because I was afraid they would be no different. Yes, I'm being judgemental but I would rather join a group with a purpose like feeding the hungry which I would assume have some Christians (at least I would hope so.....it is one of the explicit examples of what Jesus did).

Yesterday I just finished a book I've been reading all semester called "blue like jazz". It was talked about by a lot of people I worked with this summer, so i was curious what this book was and I think a lot of the people in the ropes staff this summer were cool christians; i figured the book was worth my time. I should say the reason I thought some of these people were was their conversations about going to a jazz bar and things my pastor would have fainted about if he heard them. I could tell while I was reading the book why the people this summer would like this book. The author seemed like such a real person. Talking very candidly about his feelings. I think I liked this book because he would talk about smoking, drinking, cussing, doubts, and all sorts of things and never try to gloss over these things or condemn them. I guess right now I am just struggling with a fundamental question. I've always tried to be a very real person (I've never understood why people hide behind or use facades). I just don't know how to grow in being a christian without it being better at following a set of rules. I think I am growing and maybe that's why I liked the rules because they were proof of growth. I want to be a cool, unique individual. I'm just not sure how to be a cool Christian that is healthy and real. I think is very difficult to walk this line. But I'm trying. I think that's all I can ask of myself right now.

-Kristy