My paintings.....

I thought I would show you my work just for fun.

This is my first painting!! Its is rather abstract but has lots of symbolism in it on a personal level. The people that have been in my room have really like it; I've been rather shocked by its approval. (the bottom shot is a close up of the top left corner)

This is the second one I did. Most people seem confused by it. I don't think many people would guess this was done by the same person that did the one above.


Just thought you might wanna see it!
-Kristy

painting...

Friday I was in my room by 11:30 with my classes already being done for the day and couldn't decided what to do. I knew I had all sorts of time and nothing particular that I needed to do. I started a musical on my tv and started picking up our dorm room. We had signed up for "Sooner Saturday" so we would be having groups of high schoolers come through for two hours and stare at our place while asking us random questions about OU. I hid my dirty clothes (I've been putting off cleaning for about 3 weeks now..) and was just reorganizing by books and stuff. I finished Phantom of the Opera and still had more to do, so then I started Moulin Rouge. I was still working on our room when my roommate entered the room and took a nap. That movie then finished and I felt like watching another one, so I decided on Bridget Jone's Diary. While this movie isn't the most wholesome, I absolutely love it and usually end up wishing I were British after I watch it (I'm not really sure as to why). It was getting late by now and I realized that I needed to drive to my friend's house across town and feed his fish since he was out of town. So I got to his house, fed his fish, and was just sitting on his couch. While I was doing all that I mentioned before, I had been thinking about how empty life can seem. As I was sitting on the couch, I was thinking about how life sometimes seems so mundane and scheduled. I'll make a chart for you

I don't know if you can read that too well. But I feel like we are brought up in school (especially college) to think of our future only being what job we will have and when we will get married with kids. And of course if you are a religious person, your center of worship will tell you what more you are living for. So I had all of these thoughts (basically questioning the purpose of life, I guess) and started looking at the painting he has made to decorate his room. I decided I should go to Walmart and get some canvas. I was going to paint what I was feeling. It was going to be abstract of course due to my very poor and underdeveloped drawing skills, but it would also allow me to represent symbolically how I felt and maybe I could make more sense of my emotions.

After gathering my supplies and changing into some paint clothes, I blasted my random music from my computer and painted. I was in a whirl of excitement and was feeling very creative. After digging around in my friends trash for various items, breaking pieces of an old mirror, painting with my fingers and some brushes, I finished my masterpiece 3 hours later. While I was painting, I decided what it would be titled and even put it on the painting itself. Its called "disiLLuSioNED". I've decided that's exactly what I have been dealing with for awhile now. But I don't think it is a negative thing, but sometimes very trying and exhausted. I will sometime post a picture of this painting, but for right now I just have the courage to write about it.

-Kristy

Be Cool....

Sometimes I feel like believing in God isn't cool. I grew up always wanting to be an individual. I never wanted to be like anyone else and never would do anything just because it was expected of everyone or its the norm for most people. I think this is why sometimes I have doubts about God. I've never felt like these doubts were a bad thing. In fact in someways, when I look back at those times in my life when I didn't think about God I feel like I learned so much about myself and about the world and ended up gaining a deeper and new look at God.

So given my desire to be different you might have expected me to have a rebellious past full of drinking, drugs, sex, and all that jazz. I actually grew up always wanting to please my parents and tried to live my life the way my preacher and youth leader told me to live. I use to read my Bible pretty regularly and pray all of the time. The preacher's daughter and I became good friends and tried to spend a lot of high school being the examples of a good Christian by having "good, clean fun", going to all of the Christian events, attending church every time the door was open, and praying for all of our high school. I even would fast sometime. This is what I was told would make me a good Christian and that's what I wanted to be. I somehow molded my childhood desires of wanting to be different into this persona of trying to be the perfect Christian girl that as a result would be different because she was the real deal.

I lived this way for most of my middle school and high school years (with one exception that involved a certain boyfriend). Toward the end of high school in my senior year, I found this book I just loved. It was called a generous orthodoxy. I think I enjoyed this book so much because I seemed to tell me that maybe the ways I was told I had to live to be a good Christian wasn't right. Maybe there was more to just following laws, singing praise songs, and reading the Bible. It was an interesting thought that has put me on a journey. The last 3 years in college I have struggled joining or meeting follow Christians that I thought were cool. My first year I found the people at the BSU to be rather boring and seemingly very judgmental toward the people they seemed did not seem to be that "good Christian" i was trying to be earlier in my life. Last year I didn't even go to quote unquote Christian groups, because I was afraid they would be no different. Yes, I'm being judgemental but I would rather join a group with a purpose like feeding the hungry which I would assume have some Christians (at least I would hope so.....it is one of the explicit examples of what Jesus did).

Yesterday I just finished a book I've been reading all semester called "blue like jazz". It was talked about by a lot of people I worked with this summer, so i was curious what this book was and I think a lot of the people in the ropes staff this summer were cool christians; i figured the book was worth my time. I should say the reason I thought some of these people were was their conversations about going to a jazz bar and things my pastor would have fainted about if he heard them. I could tell while I was reading the book why the people this summer would like this book. The author seemed like such a real person. Talking very candidly about his feelings. I think I liked this book because he would talk about smoking, drinking, cussing, doubts, and all sorts of things and never try to gloss over these things or condemn them. I guess right now I am just struggling with a fundamental question. I've always tried to be a very real person (I've never understood why people hide behind or use facades). I just don't know how to grow in being a christian without it being better at following a set of rules. I think I am growing and maybe that's why I liked the rules because they were proof of growth. I want to be a cool, unique individual. I'm just not sure how to be a cool Christian that is healthy and real. I think is very difficult to walk this line. But I'm trying. I think that's all I can ask of myself right now.

-Kristy

My Sooners and My Christians....

Well, I was born an OU fan and not only an OU fan, an OU football fan! I was actually conceived while my parents were going to OU med school so I was literally sooner born and started attending football games at the age of 2 months. Today was a hard day for my Sooners. After the strange and unexpected call reversal in a crucial moment during the game, I was brought back to the OU v Oregon game day of last year. A lot of Sooner fans were upset and many were called sore losers when even trying to talk about the game. (Sorry Roxie and an any other non-sport savvy people if you are lost in all of this, it will hopefully all mean something to you at the end) Our loss against Oregon was a little emotionally draining for me but I knew it wasn't the end. I kept telling myself to look back at the game. We were cocky and started to believe we didn't need to play as hard toward the end of the game. We gave up a touchdown to Oregon without a fight the play before the critical moment. If we had not allowed that touchdown, we never would have lost. I think the same logic should be applied to this game. My attitude is that the Sooners should be able to play at the degree which never would have put us in this position and have such an advantage mentally and physically in the game where we will still win even if a call does not go in our favor. We should be solid. And our defense in this game was not solid and they were exhausted. If we caught the two dropped balls in the first drive and held onto the three or four very possible interceptions, we would never have been in this situation.

I had too much frustration after we lost, so I ran for a bit. I was telling myself basically what the paragraph says above and then I had a thought. This is very much like our charge as Christians to live above reproach. I've never liked this charge. I always felt like it was too often used to tell me what I can and can not do so people may not think badly of me, but think how much easier our lives could be if we did live above reproach. We wouldn't have all of the gossip going around at church because nothing could be talked about. I don't know if this is making sense to anyone yet. I tell myself that the Sooners just should have done better early and then they would have won, yet I get mad when people don't think very well of me due to some impression they got from one of my actions. Making sense yet? I don't know. While I know people will judge and probably assume the worst most of the time, wouldn't it make our lives easier if we played the first half right so we wouldn't be in loosing situations later? So I guess what I'm telling my Sooners and my Christians reading this (and MOSTLY myself) is when life makes the wrong calls (at least from your perspective) or you loose face, make sure to look at yourself and evaluate what you can do better for next week not getting bitter about things that are over and were never in your control. And for my sake..............I just hope Coach Venables keeps his defense aggressive, but realizes when your blitz is not being effective and allowing 15 yards passes to open receives maybe we should reassess the situation!!!!!


-Kristy


ps sorry if all of the sports lingo went over some heads!!!!

Theology versus Living

So, today I had a great morning drive to church. I decided to go to a church that I have only attended once before but absolutely embraced it. The church is about an hour away, which might be a little long of a drive for church, but a lot of my friends from camp attend there. I had also heard my boss mention this church in various conversations during the summer and thought it sounded interesting. The pastor was very intellectually stimulating, personal, and funny (which I'm not sure I have met too many pastor's like this...).

On my drive to church I was thinking about a decision I made last night. It was one of those decisions that seem potentially large, but once looked back at a person just laughs, thinking how silly they were acting. I was still a little unsure of my decision during my driving, feeling that it may be motivated by some selfish ambitions and could make a situation a little more complex. Last night while trying to make my decision I realized it was 1:30 am already, so asking people for their input would be a little hard; I thought before I went to bed I prayed about it. While this doesn't seem like a big deal to most Christians, I should maybe say that I haven't actually had a moment when I just sat down and prayed for months. Yes, I know I'm a horrible person and you all may tell me so, but sometimes I feel lately like I having been living with Jesus being my theology of life in place of Jesus having an active relationship with me.

Maybe if I explain some ideas I've been struggling with lately, you might understand better. Sometimes I think its much easier to think of Jesus as an historical figure and a result in my life due to my western culture's way of promoting morality. I know this is complete humanism and some would just tell me I lack fiath, but I do occasionally think that religion is just a means of calming the masses and giving a purpose to life for people; possibly even a way to boost their self-esteem and provide an identity (by believing they are the chosen people of a god, or they are serving the correct and only god). I probably tend to think this way more often when I encounter or hear of people justifying horrible things in the name of Jesus. Or people just completely ignoring facts or logic and holding tightly to a verse that they have taken out of context in the Bible. Or people showing up at funerals with signs saying "God hates Fags" and other nonsense. My mother would tell me theses thoughts of doubting Jesus or my other thoughts of religion is all coming from my constant analyzing (and yes, most of my thoughts are a result of much analyzing and contemplation), but I can't help but to think sometimes religion (and yes this includes Christianity) and theology ends up hurts more people than helping anyone. Don't believe me? Ask a Muslim about the Crusades. What about all of those people in biblical times that were killed in the old testament simply due to the fact that they weren't Jewish? How about the jihad and killing people for Allah?

Well back to last night. I wasn't sure what to do, so I prayed. I just sat there and was talking to God in my head (which i guess is what prayer is anyway, huh?). I turned the light off and kept my lamp on in hopes I would have better concentration. After some time, I felt I had heard what God wanted to say and then feel asleep. My mother called me this morning wondering if I was driving to this church and then I proceeded to ask her opinion on my situation. I guess you could say I wanted affirmation of God's answer though my mom (and yes, I do struggle with some trust issues with God). She affirmed what I felt like God was telling me (however, God seemed to give me a more detailed answer), so I felt I had reached the correct decision. During my drive, I turned off my music so I could just think and not be distracted. Oddly enough, I finding driving on highways with the dull brown (or sometimes green) plains of Oklahoma results in my most clear state of mind. Upon my arrival at the church, many faces of my camp friends appeared. The preacher once again seemed to be talking only to me and I felt another nudge from God during a couple of sentences in the sermon. My decision I feel was correct and I guess I learned yet another lesson in faith. May we all continue to be lead by God and learn more lessons in faith so we might be better messengers for Christ in our words and actions.

-Kristy

the paper

So, I've been settling down here in Norman and its been rather hectic. I've decided to go ahead and be pre-med so I have a rough and full reschedule ahead of me (which by the way any prayers for me though out this semester would not be underrepresented!!). This year I moved all of my stuff into the dorm room myself. I had everything moved in, rearranged to maximize space exactly as planned; then suddenly I had a roommate so we moved everything again! After shopping at Target, I was feeling especially collegiate carrying my 12 pack of toilet paper, listening to boomer sooner being played as I walked to my dorm room. I guess that sounds a little odd!

The first week of classes is always interning. There are always non-students around campus the first weeks telling you about this or protesting that. Monday I was given two papers like the one you see on my blog. The next morning I received one that was a little different. These little pamphlets are there to tell me how I could become a Christian. I don't think these are practical and simply almost a waste of time. Maybe I am just extremely cynical and hard headed, but I'm pretty sure if I was given a little post card size piece of paper telling me how to become a Muslim, I would not decide to become a Muslim after reading it. I think it would have to be a pretty profound stream of thoughts jammed together for it to have that large of an effect. If anyone knows of a conversion resulting from something like this, PLEASE tell me about it! I would love to know how it happened. I guess while analyzing myself as I'm writing this, maybe a bigger issue is that I don't see GOD in the everyday presence as much as I should. Whose to say that a person that this paper wasn't contemplating that very decision before the paper was given to them and the paper made them decide to commit. I guess I just think people should not bother handing these out. This situation reminds me a lot of the video called Bullhorn from Rob Bell's nooma series (its too late to explain all of the story....you can get a summery of here). Rob Bell's video visually progresses a story of a man taking a bullhorn out onto the street with the intention of telling people they need to convert and they are going to hell......you get the point.

One thing I have always loved about one of teaching of Jesus that has always stayed with me, is how he taught its the intentions that count. He told people that if they had anger in their heart, they have already committed murder. WOW!!! how powerful is that little statement. I think that one statement could produce an amazing bible.

So I guess my struggle is this. I see these people handing out stuff like these "tracks" as they are called and tell myself they must have good intentions. I wonder, however, if they are wasting their time on something instead of doing something more productive. In the end, I just need to stick with one of my favorite passages of the Bible (Matthew 7:1-6) and not judge them (especially so I won't be judged by the same standard ex. wasting my time like it says in Matthew) and pray that GOD may bless what they are doing. Any other suggestions? May we all find a different way we are being judgmental or intolerant and change that today!

-Kristy

Complete

So, I've been thinking a lot lately of my status of being single. Some of this was a result of people recently bringing this aspect of my life out into the open and discussing it. I have to admit at first it was sort of fun and flattering to have people saying "Kristy, you should meet ----" or "Kristy, you would get along so well with---" and other variations of the same sentiments. It was also interesting what I would say or do before these comments would be said. After awhile, I must say, it started bothering me. I was very confused for about a week as to why. I did have a lot of things on my mind (or maybe instead of things, it was more like an ongoing and complex thought that seemed just beyond my analytical thought process).

One day I realized that these comments were starting to bother me due to this resulting feeling of incompleteness. I guess it made me feel like people didn't think I was whole by myself; like I literally did need a better half as people often call their spouses. I don't know if that makes sense. But after being told I needed to meet this guy or start dating this guy, I felt like people were thinking I lacked something. This really conflicts my independent single woman front I try to display from time to time (with which I try to hide my hopeless romantic soul).

Recently, I have been telling my mother I will probably get married when I'm 30. This makes her pretty sad and perplexes her a bit as well (especially due to her dating life consisting of dating my father since 7th grade). I never think my mother does have any right to try to give me dating advise. I have more dating experience that she does (well at least I’ve dated more guys). But back to the 30 year old goal...I have two point for my rational of this approach.

1) So hopefully I won't be too focused on dating boys and lose my perspective.

2) if I get married later in life, it won't bother me (it's what I planned all along......lol) and if something happens earlier then great, it will be exciting.

One of my favorite nights this summer happened in the stafferteria after the tabernacle service. Somehow there were about 10 girls surrounding my boss asking him about dating, marriage, and all of that junk. Throughout the conversation he would constantly be challenging these girls' assumptions of all of them getting married and where God does want all of them to be married. I thought it was fun watching these girls looking like my boss just ripped their hearts out by saying such things. (I have a sneaking suspicion he also enjoyed this scene).

Once our curfew approached, we all then sat on a couple of beds still discussing this subject. I thought they all were going to cry themselves to sleep. I was pretty engrossed in the conversation as well. (I guess I am trying to sound all tough, but I am a pretty hard hopeless romantic at heart. I think my only difference is that I had thought about all of this before). As I was talking I putting something into words which I had felt for a long time but never really could express. I said something like "I think you have to reach a point in your life where you are complete in God before you can reach the starting point of the process of creating a health marriage".

I don't know if that is mind blowing to you, but as I said it I felt better about myself. As I said earlier, I was feeling just somewhat overwhelmed by the regular inferences to my single state and in my mind the fact that I have not had a boy friend for two years kept jabbing at my brain like a thin razor. After saying my quoted statement above, my mind started flashing through my struggles and issues I dealt with over the last two years. I feel like God has been shaping me and molding me a lot by showing me lots of my faults, (of course more than I would like to have known...) my passions, and my need for Him. So I don't feel bad about having been single for awhile now. And I really don't mind that I'm not married at this moment (just the thought of my recent ability to purchase alcohol cracks me up and makes me feel grown up, I can't imagine being married!!!). I think it all has been in His plan after all. Maybe one day I’ll get married, maybe I never will...but I guess the important thing is to be complete in God either way. And if my theory and all of those romantic comedies are true, now will be the time for me to find my man...when i'm not expecting it.

-Kristy

P.S. sorry its so long…I’ve been writing this one in my head for a while.